Ok. I am STRESSY today.
I have shouted at Bean for no reason, am struggling to have patience in his inane chattering and shouting 'mummymummmymummymummy', and can't go and play with him. In the meantime he is getting fed up and bored and unsure about wshy his mummy is cross and stressy.
And why is this? Because I decided I might chill out and look online while he plays outside, then had a guilty feeling and decided I should do some work instead. So I am stood at my kitchen worktop, trying to work and feeling VERY stressed because the small child just will not let me. Either I am a fireman pole, standing rugby target, filler-upper of watering cans, chaser of gingerbread men, fixer of umbrellas or new tele-programme putter-on-er. Trying to do this when I feel I 'should' be working, because my brain has decided I ought to do ten minutes now, is very uncool and is making me most upset.
I don't want to upset my son. I don't want to spend the day being angry. I really want to play with him now and forget work. I want to do my exercises during his 'nap' (if he naps) and then hopefully do a bit of work. And that would be it for the day - DB is out tonight so I am doing Bean's bed and bath and is unlikely I will want to work after a whole day of being sole carer for the child - is exhausting. I am filled with thoughts that 'if I just do it now then I have the rest of the day off! and can play and not worry about it! Let's get it out of the way...' waiting to work until 8.30pm tonight is like having such a weight on my shoulders.
Am completely gutted and feel really guilty about missing my target of finishing the chapter tomorrow. I also feel stressed that whether I finish on Monday or not is completely contingent on other people. If DB thinks I am taking too much time for my 'hobby', or thinking he needs to work instead, or is tired and I am getting up with Bean all night and every morning of the weekend then I won't get much work done. However, if DB takes bean out lots/looks after him without needing to confer with me on everything ('where is this J?' Where is that J?') and I get one lie in to catch up on my sleep then I might just get myself together enough to get some good hours in.
I feel so dejected that my good plans were just that: good plans. Because I made a lovely plan and the someone (small child) came and jumped all over it and laughed at me :( I hate working on the hoof, not knowing when my next good stint is... I just don't operate like this. I need routine, I need predictability or how else does one meet a deadline?
Being a mum and doing a PhD is really fucking difficult.
So now I have ranted, what can I do about it?
I suppose I should put the work and laptop upstairs. I will focus on Bean, there is no point shouting at him, feeling shit because I shouted at him and STILL not actually working. I should stop feeling guilty because I am not working; I am working - this is my dayjob. Work will, for now, have to fit in around it. I will work when bean is in bed and eat a LOT of cheesecake while I do it.
I will exercise during bean's nap and then work if I have time; exercise is important to managing these stressy feelings, feeling that I can achieve something and getting my morale up, and warding off the cheesecake calories! And if Bean doesn't nap I won't fret because all I would have lost is my exercise time. One thing I completely hate is the way I get stressed and even resentful when Bean doesn't nap, because in my head I am shouting 'but I have to work, Bean!' SLEEP!'
I will do ONE thing at a time and do that well. I suppose till tonight work will just have to piss off.
x J
I have shouted at Bean for no reason, am struggling to have patience in his inane chattering and shouting 'mummymummmymummymummy', and can't go and play with him. In the meantime he is getting fed up and bored and unsure about wshy his mummy is cross and stressy.
And why is this? Because I decided I might chill out and look online while he plays outside, then had a guilty feeling and decided I should do some work instead. So I am stood at my kitchen worktop, trying to work and feeling VERY stressed because the small child just will not let me. Either I am a fireman pole, standing rugby target, filler-upper of watering cans, chaser of gingerbread men, fixer of umbrellas or new tele-programme putter-on-er. Trying to do this when I feel I 'should' be working, because my brain has decided I ought to do ten minutes now, is very uncool and is making me most upset.
I don't want to upset my son. I don't want to spend the day being angry. I really want to play with him now and forget work. I want to do my exercises during his 'nap' (if he naps) and then hopefully do a bit of work. And that would be it for the day - DB is out tonight so I am doing Bean's bed and bath and is unlikely I will want to work after a whole day of being sole carer for the child - is exhausting. I am filled with thoughts that 'if I just do it now then I have the rest of the day off! and can play and not worry about it! Let's get it out of the way...' waiting to work until 8.30pm tonight is like having such a weight on my shoulders.
Am completely gutted and feel really guilty about missing my target of finishing the chapter tomorrow. I also feel stressed that whether I finish on Monday or not is completely contingent on other people. If DB thinks I am taking too much time for my 'hobby', or thinking he needs to work instead, or is tired and I am getting up with Bean all night and every morning of the weekend then I won't get much work done. However, if DB takes bean out lots/looks after him without needing to confer with me on everything ('where is this J?' Where is that J?') and I get one lie in to catch up on my sleep then I might just get myself together enough to get some good hours in.
I feel so dejected that my good plans were just that: good plans. Because I made a lovely plan and the someone (small child) came and jumped all over it and laughed at me :( I hate working on the hoof, not knowing when my next good stint is... I just don't operate like this. I need routine, I need predictability or how else does one meet a deadline?
Being a mum and doing a PhD is really fucking difficult.
So now I have ranted, what can I do about it?
I suppose I should put the work and laptop upstairs. I will focus on Bean, there is no point shouting at him, feeling shit because I shouted at him and STILL not actually working. I should stop feeling guilty because I am not working; I am working - this is my dayjob. Work will, for now, have to fit in around it. I will work when bean is in bed and eat a LOT of cheesecake while I do it.
I will exercise during bean's nap and then work if I have time; exercise is important to managing these stressy feelings, feeling that I can achieve something and getting my morale up, and warding off the cheesecake calories! And if Bean doesn't nap I won't fret because all I would have lost is my exercise time. One thing I completely hate is the way I get stressed and even resentful when Bean doesn't nap, because in my head I am shouting 'but I have to work, Bean!' SLEEP!'
I will do ONE thing at a time and do that well. I suppose till tonight work will just have to piss off.
x J
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