Worky worky

I am working so hard at the moment!

I spent the rest of the morning and the whole afternoon until half six working out my 'paragraph' which is now 1,500 words long... explaining as concisely as possible pretty much the whole background to the PhD, in an attempt to get it clear in my mind exactly what I am going to TN to do.

I also wrote out some key words to do with my work in TN, to try and get an idea of the direction in which my questions are going... to work out the assumptions behind them and general framework of ideas informing the research. So I feel quite calm about it at the moment - and happy for a day off tomorrow! Tomorrow is payday! WOOT! It is my last before we go away... so tomorrow I am going into uni for a very important lecture from a visiting speaker, lunch with my friend, and then am closing my A and L pesky bank account and getting basics for India. Basically, underwear (!!, yes, it's that's time of the year :0p), facial wipes, hardcore deo, mossy stuff, a medical kit and other bits and bobs for going away. This will be very pleasing!

I have also realised that I expect I shall have to buy my family christmas presents this month. Eek! I am spending all my money before I have it! And it's DB's birthday and we always go away from the night somewhere lovely - especially this year as it is a week before we move out - the house (and us in it) will be a stressy, messy place to be... and it's my sister's b'day and my friend's 30th... I think I should do some budgeting tomorrow! Luckily, we are out to India just before next month's payday so shouldn't be away for long with nowt...

The only thing about working hard is that I find it hard to relax. Very hard. I am just boucing off walls watching tele and so have spent the evening on the internet for no reason, or reading the paper. But I am totally tired at the same time. Am hopeless.

I think going out and about and meeting the people tomorrow will be such a good thing!

x J

So busy!

I have been so busy! Since I have worked out that Tamil is not my enemy I have started doing an hour-plus a morning, learning grammar and vocab... It makes sense! Tomorrow I am learning verb forms (finally) and am really excited! This morning I looked at an earlier dialogue which used to be total gobbledegook, and today it made a lot of sense! Learning languages is so rewarding I find, like a puzzle. And I love the fact that when you start to 'get it' progress can be quite quick, like learning numbers or weekdays or a verb, which counterbalances the slow, demanding drudgery of a four year PhD... !! (strange sense of 'reward', I suspect a holiday may be more conventional... !)

It is raining and windy today... yay! My favourite weather, especially for working.

Yesterday I worked for hours, until about eight of the even'... I was trying to work out in a few hundred words what my research looks like now. I got quite far but am still not totally sure why I am going to TN yet. I have no idea why this is so elusive to me since I have been planning this trip for two years?!! I think it is just too obvious and I am thinking too hard about it. After brekky and some perusing of the t'internet (valid break, I have been learning Tamil all morning!) I am going to write down all the things I want to know in TN, and hopefully they will link even vaguely to my research questions and start to provide some kind of pathway. I have a load of literature on postmodernism and case studies and ethnomethodologies that I also have to look at, let alone the ethics and how to actually do an interview etc!! So much to doooo! I really hope to have the point of the work in TN nailed down soon and then can concentrate on the practicalities... I have two weeks before I see my Sup to have as much organised as poss - as will be the last time I see him before skipping to India! eek!

There's a job up at uni for tutoring undergraduate first years in 'Introduction to politics'. Ahhh, I would love that job. Alas, I shall be away.

I have more jabs again later. Afterwards I shall go to the gym! And for dinner as a gym reward I am eating tacos with quorn chilli! YUM.

Better check my emails and the newspaper.

later!
x J

Good weekend so it were

I hope everyone had a nice weekend! I had a lovely weekend although I did work through most of it. Although I did find out that I *am* going to be cited in a very important book which I am excited about! Being slow off the publishing blocks I have yet to see my wee name in print so it's really thrilling! I will run out and buy the book the moment it is printed!! Hehe. ;0)

On saturday I worked to finish the chapter I was reading on poststructuralism and postmodern ideas of cultural constestation which was very exciting! Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in YONKS and had a great workout and felt all awake and revitalised. I also got my head round a lot of Tamil grammer and realised that maybe it doesn't have to be so hard. I did a lot of work on it yesterday and am MUCH more relaxed about it. Huzzahs and phew! DB and I got all excitable about my probable citing status and got some cider to celebrate... I am not suffering today though, not at all.

Today, today, today... I am going to go over the Tamil I learnt yesterday and then I am going to finish the last chapter of this book which will hopefully tell me how postmodern ideas can be ued in actual research... then I should be flying along with the methodology (I hope!).

In the meantime I shall sit and commisserate the lack of butter in my house for toast and the horrendous amount of porridge-style breakfast substitutes. Someone (DB) needs to go to the shop!

x J

Offski - long day!

Today has been such a long day! I can't believe it is only half five... But then I have done nothing but read all day and that is not likely to make time fly by... I have been reading about postmodernism and have to say that I think I may be even more a postmodernist than ever I thought. My sup's head will be spinning if I keep changing direction so dramatically!!

Well...

I am pretending to be busy because I know DB is going to make me go to the shop to buy us some wine and I really don't want to. I am a typical PhD-at-home worker mess. I am clean, but I still have bedhead. I suppose I should see the sunshine, I haven't been outside for two days... The sun has been shining all day today in that weak, perdy, september-way. So lovely.

Ok then! If I buy the wine, I can then drink the wine. I think I shall be working this weekend. Foucault and Derrida are not the easiest people to just 'get' on a Friday avo, although i am not doing too badly. And the thing is that I want to get them brilliantly, so I can justify myself against non-believers. 'Yes, yes I know there is a real world, but I am studying how it is represented and made real through discourse...' Durr.

I wonder what kind of discourse I will be making in TN then? Because *I* will be writing the discourse of aid-recipients in my interviews. Unless I transcribe them perfectly?! Impossible, I will need a translator. Hmm. I suppose I will need to work that out at a later date. Definitely knowing which theory I am coming from, and consequently what kind of info I am seeking will be a good start?!!!!

DB keeps coming out of the kitchen with bowls of food, I can hear the cutlery clinking away. I haven't made any food. What food has he found?!! On his own?! Like a grown-up? Uh-oh, maybe he will get all independent on me and run off with some other maid! Better get the wine and show how indispensable I still am!

Happy weekend's all!

x J

Friday!

Ah lovely Friday. I had an email today to say that we have been allocated a room for at least our first night in TN! Yaya! Looking the establishment up in rough guide and lonely planet is a positive experience, but on tripadvisor nooooooooooooooo. However, I am sure that for every person that gripes on tripadvisor there must around ten who have had a positive experience. and some of them whined about money when it's £6 a night... !!

Ok then Today is a Day of Work! I am going to try and get to grips with postmodern methodology and see what kind of shape my research is going to take... And learn some more language. I don't know why I am so coy about my research. I may as well out myself - I am going to the Tamil Nadu district of India. I never wanted to really say because when I started this blog I wanted to be very 'safe' but now I am sure that no one cares that much and culturally it will be important to explain what is what when I am there! So I am trying to learn Tamil. Arg. There is spoken, colloquial Tamil, and written formal Tamil. Speaking is very different to writing so I have to keep making sure I am learning colloquial not written. Also, no one speaks Tamil in the UK really so no one will teach me. I am doing me best though.

Am so happy to have somewhere to stay! The whole landing on the major day of Diwali thing wasn't the cleverest but I hope to join in on some atmosphere!

We arranged with our agents to be out of the house at 1.30 on the 23 Oct. This means I have one month yesterday. But really, three weeks. If I start getting up an hour earlier every day this will add on a day of work a week. If I work for half a day on the weekend too... and if I work hard... That is a lot of hours. (eek). I had horrible dreams last night that I was being chased and backed into corners all the time. Quite telling methinks.

I can't wait until that Thursday afternoon though. We will have our whole life in storage and just our backpacks, have no housey any more... and go into the city and get a last minute room and go and celebrate our freedom and just be sooooo tired - but momentarily free of responsibility. Ahhhhh. And Friday we can stay in our hotel bed all day and do nothing or go out and buy any currency or any last minute bits and bobs... and then Saturday we go to London for my mate's beeday and my goodbye weekend before flying out on Monday! I can't wait!

I was watching Bruce Parry doing the 'Amazon' show on tv (wow... What a job... What a guy...) and I love how 'honest' he is. I love the way he gets tired of travelling and new places but still loves each place he goes and doesn't want to leave. That is how I feel about big travelling experiences and I find it reassuring that not everyone is gung-ho about exotic travels and that people are apprehensive. I am apprehensive about *everything*

Right. 15 Mins of Tamil, then alllll day of postmodernism vs critical realism. (CR will lose!)

x J

Renting stress

Ahhh! I wish I didn't rent! I have a pathological mistrust of estate agencies which sadly keeps being proved worthwhile. Especially when they have hundreds of my fine pounds...

I had a letter from the estate agents saying that we are moving out on the 23rd and that they expect us to have painted over every mark on the walls - but not the mark, no - then they will have to paint the entire wall and charge us - no, we should *paint the whole wall*. And we should clean all carpets or if there is need for the 'slightest clean' they will charge us a minimum of £50. It is totally bizarre - we have lived here for over two years, how on earth is our house not without some scuffing or wear and tear or the odd hole from a painting?! I am a very tidy person and have looked after this house and still there are marks in the porch from bags or shoes, and the carpets have staining on from god knows where - it's life isn't it? I would clean it all with some paint and with carpet spray stuff but within reason?! They would surely need to deep clean the place anyway for new tenants - I can't leave it then they move straight in, that's gross. I have got some cillet bang. Hopefully that will sort 'em out. I am not painting a whole wall though! I shall get a sample pot of magnolia and paint over the odd hole. Otherwise they may as well ask me to paint the whole house and deep clean all the carpets for free! that is NOT what a deposit is for! So they never have to clean their houses?!! It is so I don't steal things or wreck the joint. Not for everyday wear and tear Mister.

To make it even more annoying, when we moved in we drove with a massive van full of our whole life from the South in baking sun and arrived to be told the house was a filthy mess! We had to move in as it was and they painted a couple of particularly scraggy walls and cleaned the living room carpet, and I cleaned the rest (they paid me £50 to do it - an entire house of someone elses filth. I felt ill). I am not a professional cleaner. We had an understanding that we will live here still even though our new home was effectively someone elses for months until we cleaned away their smelly dog smell and coffee stains etc, and when we left we couldn't be expected to give them back a house that was tidier than when we arrived. But no, apparently we can. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I think they should pay ME for them clean it!! There is no doubt right now it is tidier. And if they are going to charge us labour and materials and whatever to fix a few reasonable scuffs etc then maybe I shan't clean at all and just pay them as it woud cost me hundreds anyway. And the plumbers have left mess and the kitchen is knackered because it is literally rotting away and falling apart. What if we get charged?! I will be FUMING!!

I am quite upset, probably because I have been dreading all of this anyway. Wrangling over my money with tightfisted opportunists does not please me. When did we stop being reasonable human beings and start counting money instead? Has no one seen a christmas carol?!!!

stressy.

I have done some work today though! Not this afternoon too much - I have been working out my letter to Them explaining everything but still being friendly (hard) so they don't hate me and keep all my money anyway. I want to know where I stand so I can fight the thieving bug*ers.

Er yes, work. Wrote out a lot of stuff that I do already know but have been too lazy to commit to paper. Is written very badly but with some reading it will get better. I just have a ton of reading to get through! Must start - will do a bit now I think.

I got all disoreintated because their is a birdie tweeting outside and it is quite mild, and there is a biplane noise in the background. A bit like spring. But no, it's october. Hehe, no it's september. ?!

My mate's pub opening tonight! OOOOOH! I wish I could go... :(

Hasta manana

x J

Back to it!

I have been back at work for two hours! I have learnt to count to ten in my special TN language! I have worked out that I probably do prefer postmodern approaches to research than Realism... and am now looking up what to do for DB's beeday next month...

Bad rabbit.

Today I am trying not to let my mind wander too much and am going to read about epistemology and ontology and methods... Hopefully get into my head which approach I wish to take... then I shall probably have to do lots of reading about reflexivity and such like. What is it I will be recording and how, and what will this 'mean' in the context of my research and the research questions.

So better get on with it!

x J

Ps. I haven't heard from any of the hotels I emailed last week for accomodation. :0(. Not surprising really but am still sad. I won't mind traipsing round trying to find somewhere too much though.

Dopey

I am indeed dopey! My ma has been to stay and I haven't had to do any work for days! I haven't even been thinking about it! I think that is because I am now feeling more settled and don't have any major commitments between now and leaving so I can just concentrate on working from tomorrow...

I have...
* Got my jabs all booked in and bought. I just need to go in twice more and then am all sorted.
* Seen my ma for a couple of days and will see her again before we go away.
* Been to London to see my mates
* sorted out all my uni admin work for going away: the risk assessment form, travel insurance etc.
* Organised a date to leave the house and written the letter to the agencies (!)

So I am pretty sorted at the moment. I could freak myself out worrying about all the work I have to do before I go away but will do that tomorrow. We hand in the keys on the house in one month tomorrow... So I have about three weeks of full time work in front of me, before I am bound to get caught up moving house etc. DB is always good at all that stuff, maybe I should stay out of the way a bit.

Oh! I also have started a budget for TN... And I heard from my couchsurfing mate in TN who wondered how my plans where coming along and said there were a couple of other people we could meet while we were there. How lovely! We will hang about a bit on our own and try and get a feel for the area and meet up with her after a few days I think. Really nice email though. I just with I wasn't so cripplingly shy!!!!! I always look forward to meeting people but when it comes to it I hate it. I have so many people to meet in TN, it will be such a learning curve. This is probably why I am so glad to have three weeks to kind of settle in and take some comfort from my shell for a little while... before being in the deep end of full-time volunteering! Eek! Ah, well I am tired today from entertaining my ma so probably a little more reticent than usual. A few weeks holed up at home working out my methodology will get my social fires burnin' again!!

Am soooo hungry. Off to munch on some toast and marmalade...

Back to work tomorrow with a vengeance!

x J

Dazed and confused...

I am lost! I am in the ether! Where's my head?!

I went to London on Saturday and had a wonderful time at my mate's beautiful grown-up pub in Faringdon. I am so proud! It is just gorgeous - no teles (yay! Hate tvs in pubs), floor to ceiling arched windows, small and characterful. And the food! Ahhh! We had the most delicious canapes that represented their menu - the tenderest roast beef with horseradish, and lovely chunky chips, and chutneys with home-made, toasted french bread... Delicious. Official opening is on Thursday and a chappie from Time Out is going along! Fingers crossed - I may post the review (if it's good?!!!).

Yeah, so I got back yesterday and even though it was a free bar I drank only beer and cider and STILL had the hangover from hell. Totally awful and again, I was sick on the train. I decided that I am not impressed with this vile booziness and so am going teetotal. I am! I don't have enough time for the hangovers and just *that* post boozy creepy feeling - whatever you did (or didn't do), it is there. Creepy. I was soooooooooooooo unbelievably happy to be home, I can't tell you. I just don't like london much either and am always happy to leave it. I vegetated and slept and ate nonsense all afternoon. Today I have been cleaning my house since 9.15 for my ma's imminent arrival... The *whole* house. Her room is my study so you can imagine what a paper-filled tip that is. Well, was. I have moved the papers into the kitchen for now. They are homeless! My ma gets in at... hmmm.. about half one. I am making us some soupins for luncheon and then shall take her to visit S, our new post-Inja homeland. It is so cute I hope she likes it! And then we shall come home and go out for a curry I reckon (rude not to in my part of the world) at this renowned place I haven't been to before. I have had a ready meal from them though (think it may be a local thing) and it was amazing! Like a proper curry! So the real thing should be fairly spectacular. It is odd now that my Ma is teetotal cause before we would have just plonked in my kitchen and got drunk.

I suppose I should do some work. I have decided to not go to cornwall for a farewell tour -I am sure peeps will get over it - and I think a break for DB to be with his friends and for us to take a week out from each other before TN would be a good idea anyway. I can pack and be cross on my own. (We fall out with each other massivley when we go on holiday, and when we move house so the two together... Eek! Am trying to practice not worrying so much and chilling out so I don't wind us up. So far it is working.) I just can't get the time off work. I will have this time off with my Ma until weds avo/Thurs am, and then that would be pretty much a week I have had off. And we have to keep going for vaccinations (6 to have in a month) and also to get the visa will be a day out. And I have DB's beeday next month. So all in all a week off is not feasible. All that time off travelling as well. Nah.

My uni friend sent me an email about his work and ontological queries and it is very in depth and a bit confusing, but I am sure it is the product of much editing and probably as clear as it can get. I think it clearly shows how much we get into our PhDs and even though we think we are explaining it clearly, we really aren't. Which I find unnerving considering I was asked quite a bit about it in London. I don't remember many blank looks... which could mean it is all fine, or I am so boring I don't even know I am being boring. Or just drunk. Anyway, he was asking me some questions which I think I understand but am tempted to just simply write back with 'yes' and happily leave it at that. YES! yes yes yes.

Righty. Think will read about George Michael's scalliness for a while and set about making some soup... No point trying to work - I can't really remember where I was and my papers are all in a jumble. I am not good at working remotely. It is like I have my desk, and my papers on the floor and on my desk and they are bits of my brain so I don't need to think about them, I can just glance at them. And if I mix it all up I can't think any more. I really am that simple. Take my paper-piles away and you leave a jibbering confused mess where a PhD candidate used to sit. It would be abuse! Then, put it all back in place and I would start working away again like nothing happened and be a coherent human being.

Which is why I have to work at home, and not hot-desk at uni.

Well.

Soup!

x J

Day end.. I think??

I think that the fact that I am not sure what it is I meant to do next is proof enough that perhaps it is time to down tools for the week...

I have been super busy today. I feel like I have a lot of work to do, and my desk is a bit ol' mess of different papers demanding attention... I managed to fill in all my forms, though I haven't posted them (hmm). I also realised that my train to London tomorra is at 2, not a quarter to three - that would have been messy. I also sent queries to a couple of hotels in TN to see if we can stay there when we arrive because we arrive on a major international festival!! So places may be few and far between... If we can get somewhere to stay though the atmosphere will be amazing! Quite the initiation. I am sooooo looking forward to it again now. I have also done a pre-budget budget for our time in TN and looks quite healthy. I have also written up my notes from my meeting yesterday and put them in the chapters that they are most relevant for.

A good day of work in all! I am confused because I have my ma coming to stay and need to clear up a bit and, well, don't want to. Not confused then, just lazy.

I have to go - my back is killing at this desk!

I want to eat a *lot* of food, right NOW. Sadly, I shall have to wait until dins. I have had only two cups of coffee and two pieces of toast for my day's sustenance. :0( Pity poor me.

I can't wait till tomorrow and seeing my mates' pub!! A real pub! Owned by my bezzy mate and her lovely fella! WOW! And it's just a sneak preview evening before the big open day on the 25th so it will be just me and my bestest friends in the world, with a WHOLE pub in central london to ourselves, with a jukebox and piano, that is OWNED by my mate who wants to give us free beer and canapes to try it out. I really think that may be heaven...

Happy weekends all!!!

x J

Funkin Friday!

Ahhh, it is Friday. I am busy filling in fieldwork forms which ask awkward questions about doctors and suchlike - I have no idea who my doctor is. I just see any old random who has spare time (ah the joy of the NHS!)...

Last night was a *lovely* night, and, therefore, yesterday was a lovely day. My hips hurt this morning from all my walking with my books!! We did have early boozy when DB got back and swapped exciting meeting stories. By nine I had had quite enough cider and went to bed - realised it was actually 9, and not usual bedtime and got up and then ate a lot of yummy pizza and chips... Then slept for about 10 hours?!!! Madness. So I have very little of a hangover today and no excuse not to work. So I shall work!

Today I am filling in these forms, then I shall make a plan of action for the next few weeks. I need to include time to research theory and writing up what I already suspect about sampling etc. I also have to have a section where I show how I have 'learnt' my way through this process, noting when and why I have changed my mind about things and suchlike.

My ma is coming to stay on Monday for a couple of days! This is ace and I can't wait to show her 'S' - where we are moving to next year... (and maybe get the first grandchild underway! Won't say anything about that though - there is enough pressure on my aging womb as it is). I need to organise my room for her though - poor love will have the pleasure of staying in my paper-filled, manic office. I think I will get it done on Monday though before she comes, or do it later. Not now.

Am off to look up my doc's address.

Bysey!
x J

PS: I am sooooooooooooooooooooo happy that my Sup suggested spending three weeks settling into TN. This is brilliant news and has made me look forward to the experience so much more. Not so stressed and worried. Phew! :0)

Ahh, what a lovely day!

Thursday is not a traditional day of pleasure but today has been lovely!!

Meeting with my Sup was very pleasant indeed. I have to remember that he isn't my teacher or even my supervisor really, he is more like my mentor, and exists just to makes sure I am on the right path. The supervisor relationship differs from person-to-person for sure (I am going to add a piece about the Sup relationship in my advice section soon - watch this space!!) but I work best not being stressed out or harrassed or told off, and he is brilliant at this. I know that I work ten times harder with no pressure. I tend to rebel if someone is bossing me about - childish I know. Hard to have a job challenging heirarchy though, when you easily and unquestioningly slot into it?! What do we think?

So the sup meeting was great and actually my concern about whether to spend two or three weeks mooching about and sniffing out TN when I arrive was a valid one and he advised spending three. Hurray! Three weeks of happy mooching and eating curry and getting over the shock and learning some language. My idea of focus groups raised some concern, as did my idea of swapping postmodern ideology for critical realism for this part of the research, although he said both could work together if I was careful, and he tends to prefer work that is ideologically eclectic, else it can get boring. !! I appreciate that it may be like being a Buddhist with some Christianity thrown in and will have to be rigorous and very honest about my decisions. That's easy enough though... I reckon it will work. All in all though my work seems to be on track or I am sure he would have brought it up. I thanked him for his reading and responses of my last chapter and admitted that I thought it was a bit weak at the moment, to which he didn't really say anything (sometimes I don't give much time for an answer!!), but he did say 'but you are doing it!' as in, the work. This is what he appreciates most, the fact that I am writing and producing. He cares not whether it is a Final Draft, but likes that the ideas exist on paper to be tweaked another day. And I see his point, considering it isn't even very good and it took me three months of hard work to research and write!! So take heed people! Writing is the key! Write! Write like there is no tomorrow... (There is though. Always tomorrow...!!).

So in conclusion, I have come away from uni with some confidence to continue working, a feeling of independence (because my Sup didn't tell me what to do or anything, just popped in suggestions if I wanted them), a lot of books about social research, a risk assessment form, an insurance form and a 'Bysey! I am off on fieldwork' form. Wooty! I am really going!

Having sorted all that out then, I then popped into the hairdressers on the way back and have a lovely new haircut. Well, it is a bit perfunctory. But that is because I am going to TN and asked for a haircut that isn't too short and will grow out well. Am being sensible. Boyish hair in TN won't go down well methinks. The lady told me what she was going to do and set about it, just like that. I really wasn't bothered at all today, I would have gone in and come out with my eyes shut if need be. SOOOOO not bothered. Very strange change from my normal psycho, control-freaky hairdressing self.

I have a twitch in my eye again! Ug.

And then I went for my swim (sort of, not much) and sauna and steam room and my skin is soooo happy! It has been so lovely and sunny today too for all my walking around. Walking in the sun.. (for miles. I have walked for MILES today - with a massive backpack full of textbooks. Yaya.)

Now, I am aware that I have a lot of forms to fill in so shall set about that... and wait for DB to come home with some wine. Yes, yes, it is too early for wine. I respect your opinion. But for me, it is Wine Time. (Start early and finish early, that is the key.) Undoubtedly I shall be made to wait, chomping at the boozy-bit, while DB does 'work'. Ug, shoving his perfect work-ethic in my skiving, student face. That in itself is enough to turn me to drink.

Must fill in forms.

Ta ta!!!!

x J

Finished for the day...

Ahhh, I have finished for today. I haven't reached any particular target but have worked alllllll day virtually without a break and realised that I was staring at it and not actually doing any more. I definitely find that I reach 'saturation point', which I usually notice when I am writing because I try and save my work and forget what to do. You know how you do that kind of thing on autopilot? When I am really tired my autopilot has gone off for snoozy time and I stare at my folders confused about where I am saving my work.

I did a lot of work today though! I sorted out my research design (case study) and worked out the questions I want to answer in TN and the forms of data that I want to collect... I have lots of different headings of paper for my notes on sampling, design, social theory etc etc so am getting pretty organised... well, I need to be - for tomorrow is 'S' day. I am so glad we are meeting early in the morning, that way I can get up and just head out without too much time to get worried... I know meeting your sup isn't normally a big deal but I only see mine every few months and am always very anxious that he will think I have been pis*ing about and am not up to scratch. My fakery will be discovered!! I am sure I will get some form of drubbing (just because I always am, tho I never do!) but I have a lot of this research sorted out - and there are some surprises in there as well which will at least show him that I have been thinking about it and not just dredging up old work. And I have questions to ask so that's good. I always like to go in with a show of the work I have been doing and obvious plans for progression. (I am a suckbutt, I know.)

So, although it is early, I have written a synopsis of my ideas for tomorrow and am knocking off. I am exhausted! Seriously, you just can't underestimate how tiring brain-work is!!

Ahhh, to make it all better though I do have my appointment with the steam room and the sauna tomorrow, after a nice swim in a posh gym. DB has lots of important meetings tomorrow too so after my sauna/steam room and some food I will do some work and then we will probably have a drink and mull over our repective days/week. I am off to london this weekend so we are bringing our weekly binge-drink forward to a mid-week binge-drink. How deliciously naughty! Do we think Big Brother will come and find us and parade us in the streets as the social and medical menices we are?!! I will be in the stocks!

Ahh, Jezzer the neighbour's cat is waiting for me outside the (closed) patio window apparently. DB is anxious that I go and say hello but I wonder how I am to do that with a pane of double glazing between us?! I can't open it, cause then she would be all happy and try and come in and she can't cause DB is allergic. So I would have to close the window on her sad little expectant face..

Maybe if I put a hand up to the glass, and she a paw (jezzer is a girlie indeed, it is my personal monker and it has stuck whether she likes it or not) and we can stare forlornly into each other's eyes...

On that note...

x J

Todaaaaay

AHHH! I am so awake! Hello birds! Hello sky! Hello trees! I have been sleeping sooo well and my tummy ache has all but gone. Tank da laird, I was starting to look a wee bit preggers.

And so! To today's work. I have started already - I have written a list of why I like Critical Realism and don't like it. Last night after I posted I finished writing up about CR on my chapter draft and organised my notes into new, more concise piles. I need note piles for info that tells me how to actually carry out my interviews etc, philosophy, practical ethics, moral ethics, social theory, 'doing' research, doing development research and finally, data analysis. I really need to start learning Tamil too. What to do? I wonder if I should have two weeks or three when we get to TN, to chill out and learn the language and get used to the culture, before I start volunteering. I think three would be nice but... Seems a bit extravagant and we may just be stuck in a hotel in a muggy, grubby city and getting on each other's wick. It seems weird that we would spend the whole duration of time we had in Guatemala just getting warmed into TN! We were in Guatemala for aaaages!! But TN seems more daunting because it is culturally so different. I am preparing to freak out... !! I reckon three weeks may be advisable. I tend to rush into things and do what is 'expected' of me (by no one but me on the whole) when maybe preparation is the key - I am sure I could start volunteering early if I want to!! Hmm. It is practically a whole month though and don't have much time.

My Dad emailed me last night for the first time in so long that he thinks I may be 'working'. I am in the third year of my four year PhD stupid. Grrr, that man continuously disappoints.

Today I am preparing for my Sup meeting tomorrow. I predict it to be a tricky meeting and that I will deflated afterwards. My chapter has holes in it that he will want to go over, and for which I probably won't have answers (oh dear), and then the research in TN will want going over. I really hope he can help me lots. I am normally very independent but this methodology is confusing me and I just need confirmation that I am heading in the right direction with it... I hope so!

I am not doing anything else today except working on this. I may think about my ethics as will be good to have thought about this for tomorrow. Damn it, I will think about everything!

EVERYTHING!

Now, if you will excuse me.

x J

Ps. I will stick to two weeks. Am just being shy and lazy. Two weeks will be a long time.

Philosophical fairweather friend

Today has been a good day! And this week is being a good week because I keep thinking it is weds cause I have got so much work done. Yay!

Today is a good day because I think I have worked out my issues with the philosophical/theoretical influence on my practical research. I am using a Foucauldian, postmodern analysis for the texts I have been analysing and general viewpoint, but for the practical 'world' of TN this doesn't seem to stick so well. I can't go to another culture and act like any interviews or any observing I do is just my interpretation and nothing to do with anyone else. It doesn't make sense. Therefore, as well as believing in the construction of abstract 'realities' in discourse (not social constructionism btw, no, no) I do believe that these constructions have eventual repercussions in 'life', as it is experienced by people and as evidenced in the metaphysical structures that support and inform it. I want to link together abstraction with the everyday experienced by different aid-recipients. So I have decamped to Critical Realism for a bit. I think this will work a treat. I did a lot of consideration for CR a couple of years ago then decided it was still all too sciencey for me. But while they may use it to be scientists, or put a scientific spin on their work, I don't have to. I don't want to use terminology such as 'mechanisms' and 'data' so will think of nicer more pomo terms methinks. But generally, it seems like a lovely third-way between the objective nonsense of positivism and the relativist meaninglessness of pomo. Huzzahs!

And I went for a swim today! Nice half hour swim. It was rather jammed because a third of it was being used for lifeguard training (errr... learning to stare into space and ignore *everything* around you?! Hmmm. But they were in the pool and *doing* stuff... am confused.) but this moron man who thinks he is the *nuts* at swimming (bad breaststroke legs actually mr show off) was doing backcrawl and butterfly - in a crowded third of the pool! We were all drowning in the splashes he was making. He must have paid attention to the class at macho school which said that elegance and gliding in the pool where overrated and what should really happen is a whole load of splashing and flailing and exhuberance. 'The more the better! Don't be self conscious (er, considerate) just SPLASH! Take over the whole lane! Attaboy.' Feckin' idjit. He was quite the bully to the people who weren't that confident, swimming right up behind them and being intimidating. I wasn't too worried, I can hold my own in the pool against most of the (admittedly red, pot-bellied, middle-aged and asthmatic) men, but nearly had a word. I mean, butterfly?!! Butterfly?! Surely you could leave that out of your routine for one session and give people some room? What an arrogant tw*t. Often when I go he will even take part of the sectioned-off lane all for himself so everyone else has to swim around him. Grrrrrrr.

Well, rant over.

Ahh, and I made a really tasty lentil and tomato soup for lunch with garlic toast. So am feeling all healthy (I did avoid the takeaway last night for anyone who read my ramblings!!! Well, DB told me I wasn't allowed one, it would have been 'too rude' apparently).

And this avo I have been working, working away and now it is nearly half five! Will do some more reading and then leave this wee room for the day.

Am much less stressy now. Phew-weeeeeeeeeee! (Rock on the Pre-supervisor Meeting Tension...)

x J

Me

Ohhhhhh, so there I am, feeling all epiphanied, and what do I find out?! That working out your research as you go along is called a 'flexible design'. And there is only one other type of design - the opposite - fixed design. I am such a doofuss. I am very grateful to Robson's book 'Real World Research' which is holding my hand through this method-searching process. I am *slow*. Although I haven't visited any of this since 2006 and then I was mighty bored with the whole thing then.

I have realised that today I have dressed myself like a crazy cat lady. I have on jeans (good), a too-big smock top (yes, they are meant to be big but this is a size too big, courtesy of ebay) and a black wrap-around cardy on top. I look like a hippy cat lady. And to top it off I hve quite short hair which is growing out and all over the place, so to look decorous I put my fringe back with a bobby pin... and have realised that this little effort at tidiness makes me look all the more crazy because the rest of it is still sparking out everywhere.

DB has gone to the gym - the first time in a week or so because he went to an introductory class of Pilates aimed at elderly people last week and woke up the next day in serious pain from straining his muscles. Ah the glee in my heart when he confessed. Old lady pilates! He couldn't even carry the shopping basket in Morrisons and thought he was going to have to go to the docs! Heeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Anyway, he is off to try and warm them up again, but no straining. :0)) Boys are silly.

x J

Autumn's here!

Not officially, but outside is crisp and foggy. I am really enjoying the cool calmness in anticipation of the hectic, muggy monsoon world that will be TN!

I am feeling sooooo much better today! I feel more floppy and back to my old self. I am so happy! So relieved! I was totally stressed and am not any more I would guess! Am going to read about qual research design, then am off to the docs at half eleven to see if the Heb B jabs have worked, and then to the pool/gym.

Yes. Much better indeed.

x J

Tank da Laird

Ahhhhhhh! I think, I think I am getting somewhere and the work is falling into place!! well, for now...

I have been reading muchos and think that focus groups may actually be the way to go. I say 'actually' because I have never considered it! It seems like such a researcher-y thing to do and I prefer more traditional methods like part/obs or interviews. But I have realised that my research has changed a lot since I thought part/obs was the way forward. Now, such a method would be pointless as there is now nothing to observe or participate in... Talk about barking up the wrong tree. Interview-wise, it would take me aaaaages to, bleugh, 'groom' enough people to want to chat to me about their experiences of the aid-effort and I would be uncomfortable chatting to people with the prime motivation of making friends for research. How awful! It would be on my mind. However, doing it in a focus group (or ten groups, I think, I will need to do a few to get a proper impression - not least because of how fragmented the society is...) would get it done pretty quickly, people would feel more confident to chat, and I would be in the minority. Also, I would have a minor role (fundamental I know, as moderator, but participants wouldn't know that) compared to interviewing when I would be a 'White Western Female Interviewer talking about Aid, therefore probably from an NGO so let's toe the line and say the aid-effort was just the nuts'.

I am very pleased with this development. I think I would do them later in my research time, when I have learnt some of the blinkin' language (major, major pitfall...!) and have met some people I could coerce into a group... I will compliment these with individual interviews and with observation (photos? stuff) of the aid-effort (in the form of new communities, schools, health centres etc).

yes, yes it will be good. Continuing this morning's theme, this is not set in stone but is a method that I shall keep in the forefront of my mind to use... I like it though. Even though I am a rather shy person in front of groups, for some reason I feel happier about doing this than asking someone for a 1-2-1 interview. Strange. Well, I suppose the focus won't be on me so much, and I would have spent months volunteering with them/their children so... hopefully it will be cool...

So that's what I have been doing today. I am still super tired and seem to be moving away from using exercise to food to relax, seeing as I am, yet again, craving food I won't make with my fair hands. I did spend the whole weekend making healthy tasty treats, and am off to the gym tomorrow. And I talked DB out of drinking booze. Still though, I should stay away from all the fatty carbs!! PhD, how you make me grow...

Oooh as I wrote that Cannons gym just rang me for my free day out - I have asked for it so I get to use their sauna and steam room.. ahh that would be so nice! I am off on Thursday avo after I have seen my Sup (eek, haven't seen him for MONTHS. Am usually buzzing afterwards with ideas and excitment and, I admit, fear about how much work I have to do). I always wonder how much to bend the truth when I am having the sales pitch at the beginning of these free days at gyms. Obviously I am not looking to join a gym as a) I already have one and b) I am leaving the continent for six months next month... But sweet, sweet sauna and steam-room. I need it, I tell thee.

Weeeeeeeeeell. Suppose I better get my nose back to it for a while, then will run away and try and talk myself into eating normal food and not yummy comfort food... We have blood tests tomorrow am which is annoying and will interrupt the day, but I should get some work in before, am going to the gym straight after, and will work more all avo.

Am so glad I am getting this under control. I really want to enjoy the research experience and my time in TN, not see it as a total horror I want to have over and done with.

Ooh, I would like to say hello to any newbies who may have come through from my shameless touting on the PhD forum earlier. Welcome to my frenetic, unstable and bizarre PhD-world.

I am going to London to see my bezzies this weekend! HURRAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!! (and thank goodness. I need to let off some steam!)

x J

Epiphany!

This weekend was a brilliant weekend for a stressy person such as me.

I spent Saturday bathing and reading the paper and then DB and I went to watch the chinese state circus - it was so much fun! Afterwards we went into town and had some ciders outside (for the first and last time this year actually!) as it was quite warm and I didn't fancy being at home in my own thoughts. THEN yesterday we went out for a really long walk aroundabout and then I made us some lasagne... Ahh it was so lovely. The last thing you want when you're stressy (I find) is just to sit around, inches away from the cause of the stress (my laptop and office) and have no company. I also wasn't in the mood for jiggling about in the gym so a walk was perfect. It was so funny because we live near the local airport and this lovely beautyspot up the road is right next to the runway. So one minute you are looking at ducks and the next 'whoosh!' - there is this enormous bug*ering plane landing. What is better than that even is the main road right under the flight path... so we went round and stood on the pavement and the planes would come in to land above our heads! It was sooooooo cool! We want to go at nighttime with all the lights - would be really weird. That last sentence sounds really geeky... But it is very cool!

Yeah... DB was *lovely* and we did things and chatted and he let me whine on about my fears for TN and the PhD as a whole. And *then*, last night when I was avoiding looking at the tele (because it had the DVD start of Saw II on it and was scaring me) while I waited for DB, I had an epiphany about how to start organising my work! Phew!! I realised that I will have to work out some stuff when I am there, but this is also part of being there. E.g. I cannot say now whether I will be able to just approach people for informal chats like in the UK, or whether I will need some kind of 'in' or be introduced or WHAT - until I am there. But I can work out the differnt methods I am lilely to use, and that fit with my general methodologial direction e.g. semi-structured interviews/case histories/participant obs. and creat a 'tool box' to dip in and out of when I am there. Today I am going to work out what I can do here and what I will need to to there, and then I am going to happily organise two timelines - one for here and one for there. Obviously the one there is flexible but will give me targets eg. 'in a month you should know how to approach your participants' and stuff like that...

I wonder if this is painfully obvious to everyone else. But I really have never done research before and am trying to make it up as I go along. I really thought that I would need to have it all sorted before I go and when I am there I would start working asap. But really, 'working' takes different forms - just spending the first month volunteering, learning the language, making friends and contacts while doing some observation, maybe having chats if an opportunity arises and seeing how my research would be best carried out - is all part of the methodology! It is part of the whole research process - it is as important to a po-mo researcher as setting up the framework for a lab experiment is for a scientist. I am so slow! I perhaps would really like a book that is doing overseas po-mo research for dummies. Is there one?! !!

I was soooooo pleased, ran into my room and made some notes and slept soundly, actually looking forward to today. I am now sure that my fatigue and tummy aches and pains will go away.

Realising this made everything else seem less worrisome too. I have been stressing over buying a medical kit, about jab appts, about buying suitable clothes and enough of them, about storage, about networking and meeting people. But now I feel like I can compartmentalise all these things again (instead of being one big worrying thought) and also, just not worry about it. I am sure I have enough clothes and so what if I don't?! So what if I don't have a perfect medical kit?! It will be *fine*. I have been in quite a stressy hole for a few weeks, where needing to be 'just-so' has stultified any sense of progress or perception. Hopefully though, I am now out of this.

My Sup thought we could meet today and I said noooooooo because I was stressy and wanted to sort my head out before I saw him. His comments on my chapter are really helpful but also indicate a need for serious revision and perhaps to be mpore thoughtful and mature in my contentions. I think I have relied on generalisations too much. This weekend this was a problem, but now I am cool with this and able to recognise that I will deal with this in time and make my work better. I am much less critical today and able to see that this chapter was never going to be finished and was a first draft. I am just a bit of a perfectionist and wanted it to be pretty much done!!

Well, am off to organise and plan (yaya! my favourite).

Now where are those highlighters?!

x J

Curious!

So I finished work at 2 and ate some soup and crumpets... proper English comfort food! And then watched really bad tele as promised, fell asleep (again!) for half an hour (zonked out, didn't actually know I was asleep) and have woken up (I hope!!!) and my eye twitch has gone! Phew! I did actually turn on my comp earlier to check my emails (on a Friday avo?! Why?!) and it came back! but so far, all is ok.

DB has gone out to run errands and get his jab prescriptions! I asked him to get some monies out cause I think it is takeaway night tonight. I know I should probably look after myself but seriously, I am not celebrating friday-ness and eating healthily as well is just too much! Too much! SO we may have a curry or sommat for tea, I am too lazy to oversea cookin'.

My friend has just come back from a road trip in America and went to the Burning Man festival. I am sooooooo jealous! She is such a chilled out fun time lady though (and my bezzie mate) - if I was going i am sure I could turn it into a stressful drama... !! We went travelling together after Uni actually, through Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia... we had the best time and never argued - even though we spent allllll our time together. We are actually very good for each other - or maybe she is good for me. She tells me to chill out a lot and soothes my fevered stressy imagination with wise, chilled out words which usually lead us into some form of trouble. But hey! life should be lived!

Ahhh, I think with words like that I am destressing already. I really hope to come back on Monday and be raring to go with new energy. I did start asking myself questions about what I want to find out and how (methods) and wrote it into a methodology chapter I have devised... then I just went 'pop' and ran away! And will stay away!

Have good weekends all!

x J

Fridaaaay

At last it's Friday! This week has not gone as fast as previous ones. In fact, I feel like I have worked for days and days and days and can barely remember last weekend... And then remember that I had it off. So I haven't worked that hard at all?! Anyway, I am reaching burn out and am knocking off today at 2pm for a long self-indulgent weekend. I didn't realise how stressful getting your head round the finish of one chapter and the start of another would be... It takes a while to put the last to bed and to take the new one on fully, cause in the meantime you have both of them there, jostling for attention. No good! NOOOOOOOOOOO! You need time off just to foget that last one and not have it there, whining at you. SO, be warned. Time off peeps!!

Went to the docs this morn and got my rabies and Japanese encephalitus vaccines! I pick them up on Thurs so need to book nursey appts for those jabs from then... Soooo Thurs 18th. Ok. Will get DB to book those later. Also asked about my stitch pain and general crampiness and he said I could have pulled something but it sounds like my tummy is in some kind of spasm and may be stress-related. Haha! I knew it. So this is also why I am taking a chill pill. I also feel that I should stop drinking so much and eating bad food. I either seem to eat really well or really badly. Although on the whole I always seem to be losing weight so haven't thought about it too much.


I confess that I am bricking it about going to TN. I have been looking forward to it for so long I hadn't realised that actually I wasn't looking forward to it any more and was actually dreading it. Now iIknow I am dreading it I can deal with it accordingly and pep myself up about it. I was experiencing some kind of cognitive dissonance where one part of me was saying how much I was looking forward to this exciting holiday, while the other side was saying how stressful, tiring and demanding the whole thing is. And I tell you what, it is also super stressful because I feel obliged to show DB a good time. I know he knows I am working but am not convinced he will look after himself sufficiently and may be bored and we end up bickering and him coming home. Which, if it happens would be very sad but also means I could just work wherever, however I wanted and not be beholden to anyone - which would make life easier. And he could take over preparations for our cottage in S, where we plan to move to upon our return. So there would be a silver lining. I don't want him to come home though! It's all so irritatingly unpredictable!! I have *no* clue what TN is like at *all*. We may hate it, we may fall in love with it. Time may drag and be stressful and lonely and miserable, or time may whizz by and be full of new friends, experiences and knowledge. Ahhhh, I hope the latter soooo much.

Also, unnervingly I always assumed that by the time I came to do 'fieldwork' (bah bad phrase must think of new one) I would be this adult, self-sufficient creature with a strong grasp of my topic and confident with strangers and 'doing research'. Not true. I am *just* the same. Well, I have a grasp of my topic (I think - there is always room for doubt on this one) but in myself I am as nervy and unsure as ever. Oh well, I will just have to get one with it! I suppose no one knows how to do anything before they try. So, I am not weaker than anyone in that respect. hmmm.

I am going to read some methodology info in a relaxed, non-target driven way, and then leave I reckon about 2 and watch some mind numbingly bad tele, like Katie and Peter. I find that since starting my PhD some extra curricular activities have become rather base. Like reading 'richard and judy best reads', or watching katie and peter argue for an hour.

Sweet bliss.

x J

Slump...

Arg I am knackered! I know i keep going on about it but it is odd. I am not such a tired person as this. And to top it off today I seem to experiencing some kind of twitch to my upper right eye lid which is driving me mad.

I have been reading the internet since I came back up at around half two. I had bulgar wheat and chickpeas and salad for lunch... and biccies... and cleaned the house for about an hour. I got our train tix through to get us to gatwick on the 27th! Eek!

DB has said he is getting us a takeaway for dins... I am too lazy and somnalent to tell him it's a bad idea...

I sorted out the visa situ too! All refunded apparently. Good!

I think DB fancies another trip back to cornwall next week. I hope he doesn't go! It is so rubbish here on my own and am not ready for it again so soon!

I am actually going to go and lie down and read my book for half an hour. I need some rest or something!!

x J

Busy beeeeeee

In contrast to my earlier decision to laze around today I have been so busy and just not stopped. I haven't left my desk for *hours*!

I have written the summary for mr bigwig in London and sent it off. That took hours and was probably too long. Oh well. I also had an email from my Sup saying that my Chapter is good (phew) and has actually marked the whole chuffing thing really thoughtfully - 1,500 of extra thoughts and criticism. I am drawing the line and will not tackle that until tomorrow. He did raise the general points I need to consider and I answered them which pleases me - I dread being asked a question that stumps me and makes me realise that this research is a figment of my imagination... One of the worries is that I get to TN and after all this criticism of the aid discourses etc everyone just *loves* how the dalits were given homes and their new homes are all millions of miles from the beach and glad not to be smelly fishworkers any more but just *adore* making incense sticks... This would be a turn up for the books. But then, i think that I will be surprised by what happens in TN - which is, really, why I am going. Else it would be made up in my head. Plus, this is actually an abstract piece of work and whether the incense intitiative was successful or no is not the issue - but *why* the incense thing? Why not going back to fishing? That is the issue, aye.

So there.

I am hungry! Time for breakfast. Er, lunch.

x J

Tired -again.

I am always tired these days.

So, we had some cider and forwent the fish and chips for some wine instead. And some home cooked pasta. And I slept very well! Today I am looking forward to getting into some more methodology reading, with coffee and the radio. A chilled out day...

I just realised I have the docs tomorrow for my rabies and japanese encephalitus vaccine prescriptions. I wonder if I should mention my stitch-pains. I dunno, it's probably stress. I am an annoying creature (to myself) who gets aches and pains when I am stressed. DB nags me to see the GP, which I do, they look puzzled and say they want to do tests, I feel alarmed and a week later all the pains will generally have gone. When I finished my MA the funniest thing happened. I was working at the local council and kept getting jelly-legs out of nowhere and would have to sit down. I would get sweaty and hot and just feel so freaky. I think maybe they were mild panic attacks or just psychosomative illness because I was actually very worried about my future and being a customer service clerk in Devon for the rest of my life. I didn't know that though, I had to work it out and then I could deal with it (do a PhD). (I don't know what planet you have to be on to consider doing a PhD as an antidote to stress?!) Similarly, last chrimbo I got really bad tummy cramps for no reason and thought I was pregnant, but that was down to stress too. This would make sense for me because I don't feel stressed when I am stressed... Which is marvellous because I just carry on working whatever. But when my life starts to calm down, or maybe isn't calming down, my body starts to let me know that I need to take a chill pill somewhere. So I think that is happening now because I feel sick and tired and achy. But the irritating thing is that it is easier said that done. I don't know I am stressed so what part of me should be addressed? Is it my working hours? Is it just tiredness? Is it TN I am worried about?! I don't really know!! Aren't I silly. DB did say yesterday that aren't I supposed to take a wee bit of time off after I finish a chapter, it being such a big deal and so hard. I agree that in normal life I would hang up my PhD boots for a week to get some distance and to relax. But the methodology isn't too demanding yet and also, I would rather have the two weeks off when we first get to TN... (although it there ever going to be a time in TN when I am not working in some way?! The whole region is my research! I am doing a form of ethnographic study - there isn't much that will be able to escape observation and analysis?!!) Well, it will be nice anyway. And if I have no methodology... I will be grasping data from every single source I can, hoping to land on something useful. And I just don't want to have to sift through tonnes of useless data when I get back. So, I want to know what I am 'looking' for and come back with a more concise and useful set of notes and stuff. So there.

I am supposed to be busy networking with a big cheese at SOAS today but am not really in the mood. I need to send him a summary of my work so he can help me in any way, and have been invited to go and see him too, which my Sup is pleased about. I am not. I HATE networking and am pretty shy (no one believes this because I am very loud and outgoing in real life, but actually very shy too!). So I think I shall put that visit off until I am back from TN as a new, invigorated and confident researcher-person...

Today then, I shall email this bigwig-man. Or maybe I shall do it tomorrow. He emailed me last night in response to my email and I don't want to seem rude. But then, I could be out of the office all day anyway. I do want to come across well and fear that I may not do so today. Trying to summarise one's work is very demanding and I would like to get it right.

Visa man needs to be rung *again*. He is very nice but I think he has wiped our details and so there is no record any more of our payment and he is in trouble. And possibly avoiding us. I hate the phone, I hate badgering, I hate all of THIS!

I just want to get on with my methodology.

I was meant to go swimming today but think instead I shall keep my clothes firmly *on*. Instead I shall work today and go to the gym/pool after the docs tomorrow am.

Hokey cokey! I have managed to sound very busy when in fact all I am going to do is peruse my old lecture notes and listen to the radio...

Ta-ta!

x J

No WAY!!

Just had an email from my Sup who nonchalently informed me that he wants the ref for an article he is writing for one of the most esteemed profs in the field (his mate - he is very esteemed himself) - and wants to cite me!! He also confessed that it may not make the edited cut - but STILL! To be 'maybe' cited! I could feast forever on just the fact that maybe I was cited let alone actually! to be CITED! By SOMEONE!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


I don't care if it's not even a big deal to anyone but to me I have never been cited. I feel like it's better than writing your own article to be submitted! And my Sup is no suckbutt, if he thinks I am worth citing then to me it is the biggest praise EVER.

'ecky thump.

Funnily enough I got straight on the email to the author for a ref... !! And it turns out that he is the esteemed (another, such dizzy heights in which I travail...) prof-in-the-know about TN!! So asked about helpers with that too. COOL!

And DB has just told me that he wants to take me out for a pint of cider and some fish and chips to celebrate my newfound maybe-cited status.

Ooooh!

x J

Temporary reprieve?

Ok, I had an email from my Sup as I finished my last entry and it *was* the ref he wants. And DB loooked at the email I took affront to earlier and concluded that I am being as paranoid as possible.

Am not convinced but am breathing again... Fingers crossed.

x J

Curious day...

Today has been a strange old day... I got that very odd and rude-seeming email from my Sup this morn and have had no follow up so far. We shall see. It put me in a pretty irritable mood though, which wasn't difficult as I am stressed about this methodology and TN, and haven't exercised for a whole week! So I decided to run away and went to the gym for half an hour - not a huge amount of time but enough to tire myself out a bit and get over the stress! I have been sitting out of exercise for a while because of my weird stitch pains and tiredness generally. (A week seems like a long time for some reason so today was oddly tiring. I would rather go for half an hour today and again tomorrow than an hour of horror today though!)

Then I came home, got out a LOT of old notes on methods, methodology, data analysis etc from year 1 and the MRes... and have been ploughing through it since! I have got a lot of info from it actually. I am starting out by writing a general spider diagram of what I think I need to know to go to TN confidently... And then another diagram for what my Meth. is based on: e.g. text, postmodern enquiry, assumptions etc. Then another diagram for ethical issues as they crop up. These will form my template. I found a wicked internet site about postmodernism and methods (we don't really have any - makes doing a methodology a tad confusing) and have got lots of grown-up buzzwords like 'sample' (probably a mixed purposive sample...?!) and 'validity' and stuff that I hate really, but have to play the game and add in anyways. And they are helpful. And I have realised the importance of my research questions (have kind of forgotton about those generally. I do know them, just not verbatim). And I know that I want to find out what data I want to get (text, but from whom and why?) and knowing this will lead me to understand how I should get it.

So I feel quite pleased really. And not as bored or frustrated as I thought. I thought I would be lost at sea but my notes are fairly helpful!

I tried to call the visa man again today but to no avail. Sadly it is complicated again! Jut gimme my money back!

I am *tired*. This morning I actually had swollen under-eye bags - I never, being a healthy 29, get these. DB is making me spag bol for tea to look after me. Yum! I am going to read my book and take a chill-pill now I think... I am reading the most brilliant book 'The Star of the Sea' I think it is called, by Joseph O'Connor. Looks really boring but lots of people have said I would like it and it was in the charity shop so I thought why the heck not?! And I love it!

I am starting my language learning tomorrow with earnest. I am going to do 15 mins in the morn before I start, and then another 15 mins later in the day recapping and any new stuff I have time for. I learnt spanish this way pretty well - it gets quite addictive as you get better at it. (I hope this lang does! I feel that it is a lost cause which is so pointless??! Cheer up grumpy!)

Ok am off for the day. Well, may read this bit about data collection skills and techniques as I am generally curious.

Bye chumps!
x J

Oh dear

I had an email this morning from my Sup that does not bode well. He writes in rather obscure ways sometimes but I am pretty sure he was being nasty about my work. I am not good at writing sometimes and write rather long-windedly and not in a very academic sense. Maybe I like writing too much?! Anyway, it does not bode well dear reader. The thing is that I just needed to get this chapter down - I have 18 months to analyse the data and write up when I am back from TN. And I don't want this last 6 weeks to be stressed with writing this chapter or feeling rubbish. But I gues a thick skin is a necessary thing for this course - it ain't always gonna be pretty.

I feel really sad. Oh well, at least he is reading it now and not keeping me in any suspense. If you know the devil you can deal with it eh?

In the meantime, after another night of insomnia-for-no-reason, I am trying to work out what methodology means. I think I will start with a spider diagram and work out what kind of data I want, and work backwards from there.

I am *hopeless* at methodology.

In the meantime, the visa people who had our details this morning have lost them and I am busy faxing statements to the wrong fax number they gave me.

GREAT!

x J

Visa news!

The answer machine thing worked! They rang me back, I told them my story and they are going to refund me! NO WAY! I really, really thought they weren't going to call me and I was going to go round in circles for ever, and I thought that if they did they would say tough t*ts. But no! I shan't get all of it but only a bit less and I don't care I am getting some back! I am so pleased because this was DB's money and not mine which makes the guilt a million times worse. DB just rang me and we are getting some yummy lunch to celebrate a fantastic morning's work!

Am off to close down my A and L liability now!

wooo!

x J

It's done!!!!!!!

I have finished the chapter and sent it off to my Sup! Two chapters down! 18,000 words in! 1/4 finished!! Nuts.

Am on hold while my bank try and action a break on a loan I have - the repayments would be much better use paying off my massive percentage credit card. Nasty nasty debt. Ah, they have done it. he was a newby wee laddie so I have patience... Also rang the visa people who giave a london number to call and get a refund - which turns out to be an answermachine! The call centre was in India as well which really won't help matters. If the worst comes to the worst when we go to the Visa office to get our new visas we can maybe ask if it can come out of that money. Or something. Anyway. It is nice to have done something. And I called A and L - apparently they sent me a big letter of explanation yesterday and hve refunded £9 of charges onto my account (I get charged if I don't put £500 a month into it, which I haven't seeing as I can't see the darned thing) and an extra £50 as a gesture of goodwill. Measley, but £50 is not to be sniffed at! I want to close the account now but can't remember my darned password for it! Arg.

SO all in all I am feeling pretty good! I will call them even though I don't have the password. then I shall make some lunch and then I will have to tidy my room! it is covered in paper for this chapter! And THEN go to the gym I think and be all ready for my new methodology tomorrow. Will make a plan of action.

How exciting! All systems go!

x J

A whole new day

Today is going to be a great day! I can feel it in my bones. Plus I am fed up of not being able to go to sleep for thoughts and worry whirring round my brain. Today I shall tackle these sources of worry and tonight I shall be so bored I promptly zonk off.

* I will finish this chapter! hurray!

* I will call the india visa people on their £1.50 a minute line to have the confused conversation, that takes half an hour and remains unresolved, that I have been dreading and trying to fix via (free) email.

* I will call A and L who still haven't called me about how they are seeing into my complaint.

It is very strange because I never complain about anything and hate arguments - especially protracted ones and especially those based on the phone. but I see to have got myelf into a whole load of different pickles in one go. I suppose that's what happens when you stick your head above the parapet of life?! (do you like that?!! hehe)

I am also having odd feelings about finishing this chapter. I thought I would be really pleased but in a weird way last night not doing it any more felt like I was 'losing it'. Maybe it has become such an integral part of my life that to not do it any more will be a bit like maybe a little hole in my life when I am making the transition from this work to my next chapter (methodology and theoretical direction)...

Strange.

The weather is *perfect* today. It is dark so I have my light on in my room to be cosy, and it is raining constantly; it is just a lovely day to be inside working with a cup of coffee.

My little sis who has been terribly terribly ill these past few formative years with Systemic Lupus has started her foundation year in forensic science today. I am unbelievably proud. Like I could pop with it. She was so poorly and will always be poorly. Even last weekend she was bedridden she was so weak. But she got through it and is at college for her first day. And it is so funny because she hasn't been thought of as all that academic for some reason and now she is doing all this maths and science. My m will have a scientist and a postmodern researcher in the family. Curious dinner table arguments?! I would say so although I am not sure the Foucault will be that useful when studying cadavers... ?!!

Well, I better stop skiving and get to this chapter. I am going to whizz through it. The longest bit will be reformatting the refs cause I work in Word 2007 but my Sup doesn't. This is sad and annoying but hey... The three songs favoured by Radio One will keep me company suring that dark time I am sure.

Am off! I so hope I come back later feeling more light and free from worry and frustration!

x J
ps. I just realised that this is my last week in year 2. Then I will be in the third year?! When I started I was scared of those in their third years, I thought they were so adult and clever. Eeek!

Lame, lame effort

Well I have had *the* most rubbish day and am really cross and disappointed with myself. I have looked at some of my chapter but not read it properly as I am just too hungover to concentrate. WHY did I let myself get carried away yesterday?!! Arg. It's not the end of the world I know, but I don't miss final proper deadlines like this. There is *no* reason for this to be going on until tomorrow and I just find it irritating. And I should just work but I can't. I also have something on my mind that won't shift for now and I am indulging myself and wallowing, I have to confess. So, with a hangover and wallowing I am not concentrating and it's rubbish.

I hope that my lame attitude has made you all feel very proud of yourselves for working hard in comparison!

Oh well, tomorrow it will be done. DONE!

x J

Monday 8 September

Oh. My. God.

I was a total fool yesterday... DB and I went out to this village we have heard of to see if it is a place we may want to move next year and it was *lovely*. Finding somewhere to look forward to moving to when we get back from TN is so important to me and when DB and I got back we opened a bottle of wine to mull over our pleasure with... and then some. As a consequence I am more than brain-dead and am really annoyed with myself. I am meant to be editing this 30 page chapter today which is nigh on impossible when I can barely say my own name.

I am not amused.

Just went and washed my face to try and be more sober but it hasn't really worked.

I suppose I will have to read the Guardian online and eat some toast for a bit. I have all day. I have nothing else to do that can't wait until tomorrow.

The thing is, I was drinking red wine (I know...) *but* with orange juice and soda water. So I wouldn't think I would feel that bad. But I feel dreadful, like I went on the rampage. I am very tired. I look *awful*. I fel sick and headachy and just ug, awful. Awful, awful.

Just try and be *normal*. And stay away from the booze!

x J

Sat'dee

Ahhh, lovely lovely saturday. Lovely, relaxing, yumscrumptious saturday. Today is a particularly good Saturday because, with a bit of distance from the taskmaster that is my PhD, I have realised that I *will* finish this chapter on Monday, even it it is not finished to top spec. Because now I have the whole thing written down. It may need tightening, or filling, or a few more authors added for more in-depth analysis. But I can easily dig out my notes next year and do that. And this is to be a draft and I am increasingly aware of its possible naivety, and with the research and interviews I will be a wiser person and this chapter will be reviewed in a more thoughtful way.

So there we have it! I am sooooooooooooo pleased. In a quiet way. More relieved than anything, and secretly proud of myself for getting it done like good girlie.

Roll on Tuesday and the methodology! yaya! Can't wait. And eek, the third chapter!

Time off is so important. I was feeling really bogged down yesterday and today feel so much better - already! Tomorrow I am going for a gentle rehabilitation-run for 5 miles and then am out for lunch with DB and going to recce an area we may want to move to after TN... I am meant to be running the half marathon tomorrow... But I got a stitch again going to the PO on Thurs - just walking - and since it has gone today, I have realised that my tummy muscles haven't been happy for some time. DB is cross that I am off out straight away tomorrow and tells me I should rest more. But I have to exercise. Have to! I tell you why - I am off to the fair down the road later to get a burger and chips from the burger van! How funny is that?! Wow but they are good burgers tho.

BB finished last night. Thank goodness! Watching it was like some kind of sick addiction. Or waiting for something to happen that would validate all the hours of my life I have invested in it. The victory for Rachel was, however, hollow. I cannot get excited about a woman with a personality of a morrisons plazzy bag who has a fetish for grapes and water. She is rubbish. I am actually quite cynical about her (not necessarily a surprise for a woman who is making a living criticising humanitarian aid...). Even winning wasn't that convincing. 'I'm so *happy*!'. yes dear. Whatever. It's like normal people would say 'I'm *sooooo* happy!'. But she tries to impress an idea of happiness upon me that I just find unbelievable.

Does anyone think I analyse too much?! Oh! as well, it is getting so bad that I am proofreading articles in the paper. Uh oh. Just chillax man!

:0)

x J

4pm!

Wow, today has gone so fast. I did get up late, at 10, but that was because DB got in so late last night and I couldn't sleep until he got home... I thought today was a write-off because I couldn't think this morning. I decided to call it a day and work until DB also decided to knock off and have worked up till now! I think, as well, that I have finished it. Which is quicker than I thought. And I am not likely to go over my target of 10,000 words which is fabulous.

I really think I may have finished it. I haven't though of course because I have to read through it alllll and edit it, and write the conclusion. But so far I don't see why it shan't be finished by 2pm on Monday! Excellent! even if it isn't it will defintely be done on Tuesday night at the latest. Which is fantastic and I am off to have a glass of sangria in my kitchen with the lights on because it is *soooooooo* dark and rainy.

I always feel curiously deflated when I have finished work these days and having thought about it I have realised that it is because I am cynical about whether I have finished it or not. When I did my undergrad (badly and drunkenly) and my MA (diligently) I would finish the work with a flourish and never look back. I can't believe I handed in non-proof-read work! It would have been SUPER if I had, I would have got a massive distinction. Everything is in the checking and the re-checking my friend.

But of course you know that.

So I am off for a shower and to get into my fun times clothes!

WOOOOO!

PS. am not liking the new facebook. When I look at my profile page it feels like it is shouting at me. 'JAYNEY IS... WONDERING WHETHER THIS WILL EVER END'.

harsh.

x J

Nark

I am finding it hard to concentrate today! Today of all days!

It just seems never-ending. Constant tweaking and checking and re-drafting.

Ug.

x J

Tired out!

Ach I am so tired! I am properly getting tired of this work now which means I must be near the end of it. I have that feeling you get at the end of dissertations, or the end of my last chapter, where just getting it done is the main objective, and where you think that if you had known how exhausting it would be when you started it, you never would have.

Which is a good thing. ?!!

I did have to go away for half an hour and ponder my final section and for a while thought maybe I needn't put it in this chapter. Then realised I did, but at least worked out what the point of it was. I forgot for a while there... I hope that with some hard, concentrated work tomorrow I will get it down. I don't think there is anything I don't know, so that means I won't be wasting time re-reading stuff and makig sense of my ideas. But it is all going to be fresh material so may take longer than anticipated. To be honest, I just don't know. It's all part of the uncertainty of doing a PhD I guess.

I am brain-dead, so earlier than expected, I am off for the day. I think I will have a sneaky ciggie in the kitchen and stare out of the window trying to conjure up some meaningful thoughts, then I will give up and maybe have a bath, watch hollyoaks and make some dins! DB is back tonight but not until the wee hours... I was pretty nonchalent about his imminent return but now am soooo pleased that life will soon return to its usual calamity.

Until tomorrow...

x J

HURRRRRAAAAAAY!

I hve booked my tickets! I am officially now going to TN on the 27 th October for research, until the 7 April. OOOOH! I am sooo excited and happy.

I am also wierdly excited about the tuna steak I have bought to make for dins. I bought some fresh parsley and thyme and am going to make a herby, garlic butter to put over it, with new potatoes, asparagus, mange tout and baby sweetcorn. YUM!

This morning/today has whizzed by. You can tell because I instinctively thought it was still morning, when really it is two pm. I have been reading through the chapter and in one fell swoop it doesn't seem as long and whining-on as I thought. Sometimes you can spend so long on one paragraph, reading through it and stopping every two seconds to ponder and fiddle that the whole thing seems really, really, really loooong and dull and drawn out. But really, read at a normal pace it isn't that bad. Phew!

Am now onto the final bit. Still copying super quotes from my fave authors and will use them to punctuate my short, sharp, insightful arguments.

I hope...

Friday tomorrow! I soooo need a weekend to chill and not think about this stupid work. After a while (days of nothing but...) the arguments start to feel sort of pointless and just, like, who cares this much?! WHO?! And you start to go mad and wonder what any of it is about. And then you sleep and wake up and the world is ok again... for a while...

I can't contemplate ever finishing. How does that happen? I can contemplate the enormousest holiday afterwards though. ENORMOUS. No volunteering. No research. Just being a beach-bound, moonshine-guzzling slob.

x J

Thursday 4 September, 2008

September! Eek. Nearly time for uni to start again. I am always quite relieved to be going back, or at least to know it is there and can go in and feel like this all has a point! During the summer I can feel quite alone in my work without the Big Machine that is Uni humming along in the background.

Today I am snoozy! I didn't get to sleep until 3am. For some reason I was worried about work although on waking this morning I realised I was being rather dramatic and all is ok really. I think I am anxious because DB said he was coming home today which means my silence and concentration will be compromised... I am getting used to it! I am almost tempted to ask him to come home tomorrow you know, just so I can get this chapter done before I am corrupted.

I realised that I had better read through all the work I have done so far and see how it flows. I am *dreading* this. I hate long read-throughs as am so forgetful that I am convinced it is rubbish before I start and during. I dread the thought of spending another whole day editing, editing, editing and being pernickity when I really want to just finish! Alternatively I could read it through and be pleased with it and it could give me that bit more confidence upon finishing. Bah, I don't think so!

I am waiting for the postman to come at half 12 and then off to put my flight money cheque in t'bank and then, then will come home and buy my tix! Woooo! That will be fabulous. I hve decided to go for a 5 mile run later too to test my 'injury'. I reckon if I can't run five miles without being in pain then there is no point trying to run 13 on Sunday, or not running the five miles and 'resting'. Resting rubbish - it just won't go away. I am stubborn about doing it because this is the third 1/2 marathon I have entered and not run and feel embarrassed and full of sh*t. And secondly, I keep paying to enter and not entering. For myself though I have to remember a) I don;t wan to get a hernia or something and b) the point of entering was to get me better at running and to conquer a new form of exercise - which I have done. I can now comfortably run 5 miles in an hour which is very good exercise. If I ran once, swam once and went to the gym once a week I would be in pretty good shape. So I should be grateful for that - running it wasn't the aim, it was the exercise. So job done!

Ooooh, there is a circus *and* a fair in town! I have never been to the circus so am going to make DB take me. And I love fairs - although not the scallies that come with it and make one feel really old in that kind of invisible, not worth acknowledging kind of way.

Better get on with the proof reading then. *snore* Please, PLEASE don't let this take all day. Pleeeease.

Bye!
x J

Today!

Today has been a good day! Again!

*I am currently in my kitchen at my table, reading through academic articles to help critique in this final section. I am writing good quotes straight onto the essay then will work around them i think.

*I have found out that Boots will do us a japanese encephalitus and Rabies jab for £160 each! bargain. Some nurses said we could end up paying £300! I wasn't going to have them done but will now it is affordable. This is pleasing and another logistical issue sorted...

*I am going to buy my flights tomorrow! This is for definite. I am sooooooo excited.

*I have found out that you can foster dogs! This is brilliant and I will get onto that when we come back from TN. I want a dog sooo much but have travelled too much to get one. Then I was thinking of getting a rescue one after TN as I want to settle down really but this will be an ace compromise and I can look after doggies who would otherwise be lonely/put down/drowned in a well. Most pleasing. And they pay for their feed and give you all the gubbins you need to look after them! Fab. I can't wait, I have always had a dog at home and missed having one terribly since I moved out of home (all those years ago). I have made up for it by getting hamsters and fish but, well, they die. And don't bark. Or give cuddles. Or have quizzical looks. Ahhhhh.

Oh dear. I just remembered that my future renting agents probably won't allow me a dog. Oh dear. I hope I can afford to buy somewhere after TN! I want to have my own house and my own rules.

What else... Hmmm... Ah yes, the facist bank is ringing me to tell me how much they have looked into my complaint about seemingly not knowing anything about my account, like, EVER. Funnily enough they haven't called. Lazy facists.

Better get back to the reading. I will probably work until half six then stop. Today has zooomed past!

I am pretty anxious that this section is going to be larger than I anticipated and will take more time. Eek. Why does it all have to be so darned complicated?!!! I think I am just going to buy it off of the internet and lounge around eating crisps and shouting at the tele while fostering dogs.

x J

The weather

Now, the weather in Britian is always something to talk about, usually because it was very sunny a second ago and by the time you went into to change into shorts and get some sun cream it started raining.

However, the weather that is going on at the moment is BIZARRE and I wonder if I am looking at the future outside my office window. Last year was a total washout with barely any sun. This is unusual but, you know, whatever. It was a bad year. This year though has been sooooo strange. There was no sunny May. May is always sunny and hot - I know this because I am usually revising for exams in May, and come June when I am free it is all grey. Then August is good with at least a few yummy hot days and Sept can be quite hot too at the beginning. There was no sunny June. There were two days of blazing hot sun in July, which I spent in traffic jams on the M5... And August there was rain.

I am noticing a bizarre pattern to the weather though. Up north it tends to start out sunny with some blue sky. Then I get excited and put washing on to dry outside later. Then it gets grey and windy. Then every afternoon pretty much there is an amazing downpour, which in it ubiquity is becoming more and more unremarkable. I used to run to the window to marvel at such a downpour, but now I just get freaked out because it happens every afternoon. And then it clears and will probably stay grey for the rest of the day.

It is WEIRD. Like monsoon or something.

I don't like it. Where's the sun?!

Work is going well though.

x J

details, details...

£500 is in a cheque for my flight money and being posted to me today.

Alliance and Leicester are calling me later to tell me what the CHUFF they are doing with my complaint.

I am starting to feel almost normal.

x J

Insania...

Ooopsy I have gone mad. I had actually started defining anything outside of normal life in terms of my PhD work. I know this because I last night I put the bin out in time for the binmen (refuse coordinators?) this morning. As I was trundling along with road to the pavement I did feel uneasy and kept reassuring myself that it was Wednesday night, and that tomorrow, being Thursday, the binmen will come round. No other bins where there but again, I reassured myself.

And then just now I thought 'hmmm. I haven't heard any binmen today', and looked outside to see if other bins where there and surprise, they weren't. Because it is WEDNESDAY today. And do you know why I thought it was Thursday today and Wednesday yesterday?! Because I have done some much work and can't believe I have managed so much in two days, so think it must be three.

Ergo, PhD work becomes more important as a marker of time than weekdays.

I need DB to come home!

I think he is coming back on Friday. Phew!

Today I need to write about aid simulacra. Yaya! I really hope I get ltos done again today! I want to finish for Friday, I want to finish for Friday, I want to... and on and on.

I am going to ring Alliance and Leicester and close my account. They have so far managaged to change my account to someone elses on the basis of a fraudulent passport, blocked me out of my internet-only account for three months, and send me letters saying I have gone overdrawn when I haven't. And they haven't yet looked into why. So, with going to TN and all I can't really havr this hanging over my neck and am tired, so tired of them. Pain is that I have to give them £140 to close it from my overdraft which I would rather keep for now and also am letting them off the hook. If I wasn't stressed enough anyway I would go to the financial ombudsman and get them to tell A and L off on my behalf. Oh well. I hate them so telling them to go away would be a pleasure.

After that I am editing what I wrote yesterday (please be good, please be good) and starting the new section...

x J

Another productive day!

I worked hard again today! All is well in the land of chapter five. I keep thinking it's chapter four still though. That is confusing.

I love it when I write my chapter and say things like 'as outlined in Chapter Two' - even though chapter two hasn't even happened yet! Magic. makes me feel like the thing may end up being a coherent whole... hehe, or not.

So I amfinally, finally, on the home strait. I have one last section to write which is the round up and kind of conclusion to all the analysis and other conclusions so far... So I hope that it won't be tooo long. Be succinct. Get it done!

DB isn't sure when he is coming home... I thought it was Thursday but he won't really tell me! It sounds very strange but cornwall is VERY far away and he is with all his friends. And he is hopeless at planning anything. Anyway, it is annoying because this on-my-own malarky is boring. Although, I suppose I could get used to it!

Wow, anyone in hollyoaks in a relationship is incredibly dramatic. Just hugging someone is grounds for calling off a wedding apparently.

Well, it's time to make some dins! Dins! I am trying out this strange sosmix - a veggie mix for sausages... I hope it's nice. I am not veggie but it's worth an adventure.

Tomorrow I am really looking forward to getting stuck into this last part of the chapter... It will really show me how far I have in front of me before I finish... Hopefully it will be three days!

x J

Summer?!

Today there is blue sky! Blue sky! Although there was yesterday too and I put some washing on thinking I will be able to dry it outside, and it rained dinnit.

What if it stayed sunny? What if I could sit in my garden with my book and be hot? What if I could wear my skirt?! WOW! Nah... You definitely have to go abroad to do that. I am sure I remember doing it in England but think this may be me being ultra-positive and hazy about the past... When politicians were honest?!

Well today... I am really sleepy today dear reader. Very snoozy indeedy and not sure why. I wonder if it is because I haven't run around enough this week - because of this darned injury. The irony is that I signed up to the half-marathon to keep me fit and actually, because I have to look after myself in the run up to it, I am lounging around waiting to get well enough! So getting unfit! Silly silly paradox.

No sign of my flight money yet. Arg. come ON! I wonder who to email?! I shall wait for today and email someone tomorrow if I am not contacted. Problem with me always is that I am incredibly impatient and when I have a bee in my bonnet I get on the case immediatemente, no hanging around. Speaking of which I am in the process of badgering my dearest friends to go on holiday with me next year to Greece on an island. They all earn really decent money but still whine on about money. And none are married/childered or anything - where does the money go?! They all earn twice as much as me but seem to have *no* money. I think this is a fantastic example of how the more money you have, the less you have! I know, because I am always skint, that if I want to go on holiday in a year then I will save and budget for it and see it as a treat. Why can't they?! They have, literally, a year. So I am cajoling. I wonder where people's sense of adventure is sometimes too. It would be so lovely, a week of bikini-ing and seafood and wine and reading and chats with best friends. I have said no one difficult is allowed to come! Hehe. We are all getting older now and I want to get a family going and have to finish this course and sort of, I suppose, see my adulthood looming and fancy a carefree holiday with my besties before we all grow up and have even less time for each other.

They can afford it. Silly rabbits.

Speaking of which, a really sad story is being uncovered in the news about a millionnaire who apparently had money troubles, who it seems killed his wife and teenage daughter, their pets and horses and then set his mansion on fire and killed himself. Mostly speculation at the moment is that he owed money to big businesses - at first peeps thought he may have been assassinated but this was realised to be a bit excitable for Britain and he just owed money to normal big businesses who recognise and use the judicial system... So it looks like he would rather have his family and self dead, than be poor. Words fail me.

I feel more awake now. Am going to work on this chapter more today, concentratedly, and go to the gym at lunchtime. So... will work until half 12, then come back probably at half two, and work until 6.30odd. Let's GO!

x J