Finishing a PhD is like banging your own head with a stick.
I come to my desk and I sit for hours, banging, banging, banging my head with my stick. It makes me so angry; it is really painful and I hate it. But I have to do it day in and day out, evening in and evening out, for a few more months and then I will get a Big Reward.
My husband doesn't know why I sit banging my head with a stick or why it makes me angry. He says it is my hobby, and it must be because no-one pays me to sit banging my head with my stick. I even had to buy my own stick. I must really like sitting here and feeling the pain and the rage until I have to go out and walk it off or really shout at somebody.
Then I come back and resume the banging because sometimes actually, it feels like the best thing to do.
Some days I don't bang my head enough with the stick and I feel so guilty. I try and come back and bang my head harder, for longer, but my arm gets tired and my head hurts so I have to stop. My husband wonders why I have stopped and am watching tv when yesterday I cried because I wasn't banging my head enough. 'Because it hurts and I am tired!' I shout, 'I need a break'. He raises an eyebrow. I need to bang more. I cry.
Sometimes I try to bang my head with my stick with my toddler son around but it makes him upset to see me so upset and cross. He tries to take the stick and do some banging himself but he can't - that is my stick! It's my Precious.
Now I am banging my head at weekends and in the evenings and I just cannot wait to give the stick back. I really, really don't want it any more.
And then I think, I bet I will miss it when it is gone. Maybe I'll find another stick to hit myself with... It has been five years after all; how will I cope with having a life?
x J
I come to my desk and I sit for hours, banging, banging, banging my head with my stick. It makes me so angry; it is really painful and I hate it. But I have to do it day in and day out, evening in and evening out, for a few more months and then I will get a Big Reward.
My husband doesn't know why I sit banging my head with a stick or why it makes me angry. He says it is my hobby, and it must be because no-one pays me to sit banging my head with my stick. I even had to buy my own stick. I must really like sitting here and feeling the pain and the rage until I have to go out and walk it off or really shout at somebody.
Then I come back and resume the banging because sometimes actually, it feels like the best thing to do.
Some days I don't bang my head enough with the stick and I feel so guilty. I try and come back and bang my head harder, for longer, but my arm gets tired and my head hurts so I have to stop. My husband wonders why I have stopped and am watching tv when yesterday I cried because I wasn't banging my head enough. 'Because it hurts and I am tired!' I shout, 'I need a break'. He raises an eyebrow. I need to bang more. I cry.
Sometimes I try to bang my head with my stick with my toddler son around but it makes him upset to see me so upset and cross. He tries to take the stick and do some banging himself but he can't - that is my stick! It's my Precious.
Now I am banging my head at weekends and in the evenings and I just cannot wait to give the stick back. I really, really don't want it any more.
And then I think, I bet I will miss it when it is gone. Maybe I'll find another stick to hit myself with... It has been five years after all; how will I cope with having a life?
x J
3 comments:
Jayney, you will make it! I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I really do be believe you have the guts! I'm in the same position with you, 33 years old, at the beginning of writing my phd thesis... This specific post really touched me, that's exactly how I feel. I'm getting the same feedback from my husband -if it gives you any comfort, you are not alone. You have been very inspirational to me!!Keep up!
I read this post aloud to The Boy and we both agreed that this is how I've been for the last few weeks. Three weeks to go for me and it's TOUGH matey. We're going to get there though, and it's going to taste like sweet victory. xxx
Aw thanks peeps! we can do it! We can!
zalfa - three weeks to go?! I can't imagine how you feel!
Good luck to you both!
x J
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