'constructive panic' as the order of the day

Oh dear.  I confessed to sup that I hadn't opened the manuscript he sent yet as I am too scared and he said that he thinks constructive panic is the order of the day. 

What does that MEAN?!  Does it mean I am buggered?!  I think it does!  Oh dear.

I did the contents page, which means that I have the whole of tomorrow off, even if Bean naps :)  I need a brain break to face That Manuscript.  I shall have a look for an hour on saturday and cry a lot into a nice hot chocolate, have a cuddle from Db and work on it some on Sunday.

The contents page was very illuminating.  It is far too long, which means I have too many subtitles!  So i will have to edit it to make sense with less subtitles (please help me Sup).

It took me ages as well, about 1.5 hours!

Oh hell, this is all so awful.  I only have a month to scrub it all up!  And in that month I have Bean's Birthday and Xmas to organise! 

Am feeling blue, overtired and meh.

But pleased really, am working as hard as I can and no-one can ask more.  And I am coming down with a cold.  Poor me!

Till Saturday then.   I am going to ADORE my day off tomorrow.  Adore it.

x J

intro done :)

Am so pleased!

I can't quite believe it but I have finished editing the intro.  I never in a million years thought I would get it done today!  I have worked and worked and worked but finished at 4ish with just an prelim intro of 250 words to do, introducing and setting the scene for the disaster I am talking about.

I have done that now, didn't take long and is all ready to send off to Sup :)  I am pleased with it and dubious about it in equal measure I have to say.  I think I will always think it is a bit shite unless Sup tells me otherwise.  I am convinced the lit review needs more work and am dreading it. 

I still have the contents page to do...  I think I will try and do that tomorrow or in front of the tv tonight.  it is boring but should be straightforward and it would be nice to have tomorrow OFF.  Will work a bit on sat - open that evil bag of evil from Sup and see what the damage is.

Anyways, yay.


x J

Grit and Determination

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Thank god.  I have finally finished editing the lit review AND got it down to 4000 wds.

I am sure it will come back to me and I dread it.  I wonder if I will ever get it done properly.  But I have reworked it so it makes sense, taken lots of shite out and added other good stuff and talked all the time about how I do like this idea/don't like that idea. 

Am so bored to death of it; if I could I would take some time off now!  But I can't.  I will never get this chapter done today :(  I have about 8 pages left to edit (of 30) which is wonderful, but they need a lot of work and I also have to write 250 words introducing my case study properly, which is grand but needs stats etc that I have to research.  I did have them once, but have lost them somewhere in the two house moves I have done since I started 5 years ago!  It is easy, just will take a couple of hours.

I wonder if Bean will nap tomorrow...  if he does I could work then!  If I had tomorrow, or just half of tomorrow, I could get it finished and so it would be in 'by the end of the week'.

I will keep going.  Keep trying, pushing, grit teeth, get on...

Oh, the full edited manuscript from Sup has arrived.  It is downstairs, unopened.  It will remain unopened until I work on the next chapter - Sunday probably.  I completely dread opening it.  It will be bloody awful.

Any Sup has written on my chapter I am working on that I need a copy-editor!  I agree, I cannot see typos and mistakes in my own work.  But my friend who is a copy-editor said she would do it...  for £1000!  WTF!  That is mates' rates too!  We can't pay that for someone to peruse this begger :(  But what a dream...  would she change it all for me?  she would wouldn't she.  Ahhhhh.  That would be like a lovely hot bath, sending off my typos for someone to change it so it is all nice and perdy and sharp.

x J

slept too well!

Right.  My son slept all last night and therefore, so did I.  This seems to have erased all my memory of working so I have no idea what I was doing or why!

Hehe. 

Am not enjoying this one bit.  Am just not.  but I think, well, it is the last time I will do this horrible stuff.  I submit in a month!  So, is better than having months and months of this in front of me.  I have to confess that I am winging it at the moment, following Sup's suggestions rather blindly and filling in gaps but am not convinced by what I am writing.  This worries me as obviously if I am not convinced how will anyone else be?!  I don't know though if I will ever look at it and go , righty, that is just brilliant stuff.  I wonder if when you are this close to it it just seems rubbish as it is so familiar.  I know it so intimately!

Anyway.  Better crack on. 

I have no idea what is going on!

x J

leaving now

Oh my.

I am about halfway through editing (again, I was here last night) and am going to leave it now.  I am feeling fine but starting to get lazy and I just have to stop or tomorrow I will be too tired to do anything.  It always takes me ages to get to sleep when I have worked late too :(  If bean wakes up or gets me up early (was up at 6am this morning) or am feeling rough or overtired I get stupid so for the sake of a crap hour extra now, I shall rejuvenate for tomorrow's push.

I have done SUCH a lot today and really feel that I have turned this chapter around.  I have sorted out my most horrible knots and am hoping that tomorrow I will get some speed up as I have a bit of an easier ride of it.  I have to edit out a LOT of words but will worry about that another time.  My priority tomorrow is to get this done to a readable standard to send back to Sup.  I don't know if I will get it finished but I really hope to and will keep working on it as if I will!

There is just so much to do.

x J

Back for more

Arf am back again.  Will work till 8.30ish probably, will see how it goes.

Was great to get some headspace and have a walk, although I arrived to get Bean at the same time as DB!  Apparently he had told me he was picking Bean up but I have no recollection of this!

Still not sure what I am going to do about this lit review, but have realised that getting het up about it is pointless.  Will make it up as I go along.

x J

Don't want to do it any more!

I am sulking.

I have had a really good day of work, have sorted out the chapter with my old edition and am now going through and editing it using sup's notes and queries.  But it is getting me down and I feel like just saying 'sod it!  It doesn't bloody matter anyway!'.  In real life I would never work on something this difficult or knotty, I am quite happy to just not get into bogs like this.  Not many people in real life, tbh, get in knots like this anyway!  I am not a details person.  I am very much a 'that'll do!' person.  If it looks a bit knackered I just think 'shabby chic', and anyway, am just not into perfectionist stuff, I like mess.

I am a tidy person tho, and used to be one hell of a perfectionist.  Am not so much any more, I've mellowed with old age and parenthood :) 

Anyway.  Sorting this out is driving me nuts.  I say something, Sup picks me up on it (how dare he) and now I am in a pickle trying to sort out what I meant/didn't mean as clearly actually no literature backs me up.  And then I think, sod it, the thesis is shit!  And I can't delete everything I don't like.  Or can I?  Maybe if this section is irreconcilable with Sup's comments I should a) just delete it; b) change it to say what sup thinks; or c) try and stick to my guns and fail.  Maybe I am just being a bit militant about my stance and should just chill out a bit...  hmm.

And tomorrow, horror of horrors, I get the WHOLE thesis back in the post :(  Oh dear.  If I am so confuddled with this one chapter I cannot imagine the hell that is in that parcel.

Crikey.  Am actually glad I have to go and get Bean as I will get a nice walk to give me some perspective and maybe even help me work this knot out.  And then I will make us a nice dins and play fire engines and come back to work when DB gets home.

Am not sure whether I will get this done for tomorrow, but I really hope to.  Am sure it will still be crap though :(  Oh well, I can but soldier on.

x J

 

New Day :)

So today is a new day.  I had some sleep and feel more with it today in general, hurrah.

I wrote down a plan of action for this chapter this morning (poor Beanie was stuck in front of cbeebies during this time) which helped clear my mind and break the work down into manageable chunks.  I have worked out that I can do the contents page (tedious, time consuming but easy) in front of the tv tonight (Junior Apprentice to be precise) so get to watch tv and work, super.  I have also worked out that I ought to do the nasty lit review stuff today and work out that knot as it is the sticking point for most issues in the chapter.  Am dreading it but know it has to be done.  A lovely walk in the crisp (freezing cold) to take Beanie to the childminer really helped clear my mind and get me motivated.

Am not really motivated, it is more that I am ploughing on with the knowledge that friday and saturday I just cannot work as I am looking after Beanie.  I will work evenings but that won't be much.  Sup is also expecting this work on Friday!  I don't know how this will happen but will do my best.

Ooooooh as well, I had a horrible niggle yesterday about a section in footnotes that Sup thinks I should plump out and make proper in the chapter.  I knew through my tired, stressy fog that I must have written it already somewhere and was edited out... which was why I was reluctant to get to work on it.  And this morning after my walk I realised that I THINK it is in my first ever lit review (that was 14000 words hehe).  I am so hoping I won't have to write but can copy and paste this old work!  It was well written and everything.  That will be a lifesaver.  it would save a whole day of horrible writing from scratch. 

We shall see

So, on with the lit review.  I have lots of french fries crisps, yums yums and a delicious stir fry planned for dins so comfort food all the way today.  Will sneak in a hot choc too.  You might think I would be reet fat with all my munching but, bizarrely, I haven't put on any weight even tho am preggo :)  Wonderful stuff - must be the walking to the childminders four days a week!

I tell you, when you get to this stage the ONLY motivation is the fact that you are so bloody nearly there.  There is no choice but to keep plodding on.  But I tell you, if I knew about all this when I started...  oooooh!  Am delighted I feel this way though because I haven't yet and is a sure sign am near the end.  The more it hurts the closer I am!  (hehe is a bit like labour!!)

x J

knackered, stupid, can't concentrate

I know I will regret this and I am being lame but I am going to call it a night. 

My eyes feel like they have sand in them and I am making more mistakes than I am editing out.  I can't think straight and I have to hope that having an early night will restore me to fine fettle for tomorrow's work bonanza. 

I am sure I couldn't feel any worse!  well, unless I was pukey or had flu or something (please no)

Ok, I have seen the next two pages of editing and they seem pretty 'safe' (i.e. no huge glaring ref issues that I spend 20 mins trying to rectify, or content issues re: lit review.  Or, the worst, massive questions over my interpretations of literature that I have to go over and justify!) so will do those and then I will be halfway through.  I really hope I get through the rest of it quickly tomorrow and then can go back and deal with the swathes of writing I have to do.

Am not really liking doing this.  I know when it is over I will be very happy, but then I might have to do this for another seven chapters and that is really bloody depressing.  I am starting to see why people feel insane at the end of the PhD.  I can see it happening.  It's the insanely pedantic levels of attention to detail, it drives you mental with boredom and hatred.

Am very frightened. 

Luckily for me I have discovered yum yums and have two more in the cupboard to scoff all to myself tomorrow.  Hurrah.  I am only motivated by the yum yums.

x J

Even' then

Arses, back to evening working.

Taking some adjusting!  My brain has died too; I was just on a friend's facebook page having a nosy at her new baby and scrolled down and after a while thought it was strange that my facebook was all about them.  D'uh, completely forgot that I was on their page.

And now I am to do PhD work!

Because I am tired and it is my first day back, and I want some time to think, I am going to do 'easy' stuff tonight, sorting out basic editing issues, and do thinky stuff tomorrow when I have a whole day to tackle it.

Amusingly earlier I thought my very straight, very old school Sup was drawing shocked emoticons on my work, when actually it turns out he was trying to point out that I had forgotton to put umlauts on the 'O' of someone's name!  His drawing of the 'O' with umlauts looks just like a shocked face emoticon :)  So funny!  (and quite a relief!)

So, on with editing.  Am so very worried about how on earth I will get this all in for Friday.

x J

Testing your mettle

Just to say, that a huge thing at this stage is having your work heavily critiqued - not critised, my sup hasn't come back to me saying it is shite or anything but it has been worked over like a good 'un - and coming back from it straight away to write more.

To be honest my confidence is shaken and normally it would take a few days and a minor meltdown to get over this but I don't have that time!  So I am right back in the thick of it, writing away and adding stuff where it needs to go and, basically, I am just not allowed to think it is shit!

Is so weird, like having to stay and fight when all you want to do is run away and hide under the covers and sob that you just can't do it.

I have to do it!

UG.

It is nice now it is formatted though as Sup has suggested rather than my way, it does look rather posh and proper-like.

All fur coat and no knickers at this stage tho!

x J

Fucktits

And so phase two of evilness begins.

I have cried over it already this morning and think this is probably a good sign, but yes, the work is starting to take on monstrous proportions.  Having a good cry here and there is probably par for the course now and as long as I don't let the worry and fear and horror overcome me too much and just keep ploughing on, head down, shoulders hunched, it might be ok.

The chapter, basically, is shite :)  I have a LOT to add, a lot to subtract and basically every page has been scrawled over.  Eek.  I have three days to do this which is causing me to panic.

However, I have crisps, I have yum yums, I have biccies; Bean is usually asleep by 7.30 now so I have a few hours each evening to work; and i have the motivation of not wanting to be weeping on xmas day!  And, if nothing else kicks my butt, the fact that Sup is working so hard on it surely must guilt-trip me into doing something!  My poor Sup.

He said he is on chapter 6 now (of eight and the last will be a shocker - he will hate me) and it is very repetitive which doesn't surprise me but if that is the most remarkable thing about it I am delighted.  Repetition I can deal with - not having a thesis or having to rewrite the whole thing again - notsomuch!

x J

Chapter One ready for me!

Eek and phew!

Sup has sent my abstract back that I sent him, is done to the final edit.  So, I have an abstract to hand in!  How exciting! 

He also scanned and sent me every page of chapter one with his (many, many) comments, question marks and crossings outs on them.  How kind is that?  He wants it fixed by the end of the week; thank the LORD for childcare.  I will be up and at this asap tomorrow and will work my socks off tom, weds, thurs to get it done as I need to send it by the end of the week.  Then hopefully that might mean a chapter down?  Dunno, I have to sort out the lit review (again, again, again) and structure it properly so no doubt it will still be shite.  He is sending the rest of the manuscript in the post...

The emails from my sup about it all were warmer so am feeling like less of a twat, am ready to get on with it!  (tomorrow!)  Is lovely working from suggestions and help in this chapter as I have no bloody idea what to do with an intro tbh.  He is apparently on a warpath for scholarly rigour and is taking him AGES to go through it.  Oh dear.

Though, to be fair (I have to find positive points - if my confidence goes at this late stage I would be buggered!) this is the first and only time Sup has stepped in to firmly direct me and it does need some shaping up from someone wise.  I don't think anyone can really write a PhD thesis all by themselves can they?  Like, for instance, I really didn't know that all footnotes have to start from number '1' on each chapter, or that it should be double spaced, or that titles need to be in capitals.  Or that 'British' should be 'UK'...  And I can't see where I have forgotton to explain bits because to me it is obvious!

At least my writing hasn't be ripped apart yet like it was about three days before I was meant to hand in my MA dissertation (it was 'grotesque'!)

All round happier and excited about getting closer to getting this fecker FINISHED!

laters yo.

x J

Phew (still bad tho)

It is all still bad BUT I have managed to sort out the work he sent. 

It was just a case of me being an editing twat really for the abstract, not noticing that I had written the number '3' instead of the word (I was tired but oh, the shame) and stupid long sentences.  The content was ok tho and I take a teeny bit of heart from that.

In a way I am glad this phase has started and that I have been thrown into it - and that so far i don't need to drive to the other side of the country to have a face to face about how dreadful it all is.  And it is lovely he is editing it for me (am jammy, yes, but he is Very Cross about it and really, Sup never, ever gets cross with me) as I have no brain and am not a brilliant writer (hello, blog).

Arf.  After i stopped weeping with shock and sorted it out I felt ok again.  All that in 20 mins of drama.

Am dreading what tomorrow will bring.

Oh, and my footnotes are a shambles.


x J

Oh dear

I am in trouble.

My work is a bit rubbish it seems!  After a lovely day watching silly tv and eating I have opened my email to find a very abrupt email from my Sup with scanned pics of the abstract and annotations I have to fix 'by the end of today' (I have to get bean in an hour!) and he will send my first chapter tomorrow, which he 'expects to have revised by the end of the week.'

Oh dear!  It is is good to have help and really it seems like he is so exasperated with how rubbish it is he has marked it and edited it himself (sad face) so I just need to swallow my pride really and get on with it...

He is half way through it tho and these seem to be the major sticking points so far, so maybe the other chapters aren't so bad (so far).

ho hum, week off cancelled! ;0)

x J

OMG I wrote a PhD Thesis!

So yesterday I was a bit stressy and sort of nonplussed by having time off and waiting for the draft to be marked...

And then this morning I was feeling stressy again and thought about it while cleaning the kitchen and all of sudden it occured to me: I have written the thesis!  I have done it, and if I needed to I could just hand it in as it is!  It is written!  It has an intro, an abstract, it has contentions and it has a conclusion.  It has a bibliography that is neatly formatted (thanks endnote).  It needs editing and a bit of TLC which, thankfully I have a month to do and the motivation of christmas with my family to see me through the long nights of work ahead of me.  But that is all polishing.  I don't know what Sup will have to say, but as far as I am concerned it is generally ok - the text is FINE.  And this is really important - I have finished writing.  Sup may decide I need to make two big chapters into three, need to re-write the concl and intro etc but that will be ok and not need new writing or ideas and with some direction I will be able to do that a-ok. 

This is really, really exciting!  I had it in my head that handing in this first draft was just one step of many, or that it was only the little brother to the Big Brother of Submission.  But actually, it is the other way around!  Getting to this stage is the Big Brother, the next stage is much easier (boring and tedious, but not difficult).

I have a PhD thesis!  I have something that, even if we all are stuck down with norovirus etc for a month and i have no childcare bla bla, I can hand in.  even if it is rubbish, it is MY rubbish and it is complete.

And for that I am incredibly happy and feel MUCH lighter of heart.  I will happily have my time off while sup casts his clever eye over it and then get into editing and POLISHING something I have already done.

Most pleased!

x J

Trying to relax

And not doing very well!

Am feeling better for being sat back at my laptop!  Is so weird after so long working and worrying to all of a sudden have time off.  When a programme I was watching just finished my first thought was 'right!  back to it!' but then of course...  I am off!  Am still nervy and anxious - I can't read, for example, because my brain is still hopping with work thoughts!

And then I think, well, maybe I could do some work?!  But I think this would be bad because a) I need to rest; b) My brain needs time to distance itself from work so I can come back it objectively and; c) what would I do?!  I have my prelims and appendices and can probably sort out my refs as I am not sure they are all there.  But really, is not much I can do constructively until I get my draft back and then all hell will break loose.  Am so nervous about getting it back and having to re-write, re-write.

Am also in that post exam stage where you have the initial euphoria of having done the bloody thing and then pretty quickly doubt about your success sets in... so am sort of nervously twiddling my thumbs.

But still, I have to be pleased as I have reached milestone no. 1 of submission: completing the first draft.  Next is Actual Submission; followed by the viva.

If I am this jumpy about getting the first draft back how on earth will I cope with a viva?!  That is another thing, I am already starting to mentally gird myself for the next steps and it is nervewracking! 

Am just a bit of a stresshead, in a couple of days I will have relaxed and be happily pottering :)

x J 

DONE IT!!!

hhahahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaaa

I am printing my first draft; abstract, cover sheet and all :)  Well, I was printing it, the printer has run out of paper so am waiting for DB to get back with some more!  Is going to be quite an impressive tower of paper when it is done!  Is 244 pages and 82000 words... 

hurrah!

Am so excited, when I was formatting the chapters together into one doc I was really shaky; I couldn't believe it!  I can't wait to have it all printed and show it to DB.  We are having a takeaway tonight to celebrate.  It will be thai as this baby makes me crave thai food but DB is so sick of it I can only have it for special now :) 

Will post it tomorrow morning after dropping Beanie off then hopefully will meet with my friend for some coffee and celebration cake at a cute caff down the road...  and then I shall hang about the house being useless!

x J 

Nearly there

I am soooo nearly there, I can sniff the finishing line...

I am just racing through my recommendations for further research, then I need to go abck through the chapter and write in an intro and little intros to the subheadings.  It is not brill, but it is ok for now.

I have realised that to write a good conclusion I would need to go back through all my chapters and write down contentions I make in each one (i make LOADS of points, some big, some small) and bring them together in this chapter.  But this will take AGES and it would be impossible to read through my chapters without editing them (again) which will take ages too.  At least a week!    So I will stick with my glaringly obvious big conclusions for now.  It has taken 6500 words so far so is fine, once the intro is in etc should be over 7000 which is fab for now.

Am darting off hither and thither now, my concentration is waning in the fever of near-completion.  Am only excited about having some time off tho; the draft itself is rubbish now in my eyes, it needs more editing and finessing (is that a word?!) and stuff.  it seems clunky and stupid.  I dread printing it out, I always hate that in case I spot some glaring error and it is too late to change it (can't be bothered at that stage but my heart still sinks!).

Anyway so will get back on with it :)  YAY!

x J

Back and Brighter!

I am glad I didn't work last night, I was just feeling depressed about it all but feel much brighter today.

Having had some space, I feel better and even have a Plan.  Am going through the lit review to check what my main points were and if they need to be addressed in the concl (am hoping I have covered most of them now).  Then if I have anything left to say I will say it, if i don't I won't and won't sweat it.  I sort of released the pressure valve last night by letting myself do a couple of the 'treats' I had planned for when I finish.  As time has gone on these treats have mounted and I have been just so desperate to finish so I can watch that tv programme or start reading that book...  so I watched one of the tv progs last night to help me relax and started one of the books (it was shite) and feel more balanced!  Less like I am working really stressfully in front of a huge cake I can't eat yet!  I still have lots of treats left - main one being being able to sleep and lounge about at will!

For each section of the concl I shall write a sentence, then fill in gaps around it if I can, if I can't again, I won't sweat it.

So I hope this way to get the concl finished today, then tomorrow can be about formatting and printing :)  And posting :) 

Have also forgiven myself for not completing it yet as I have worked so hard, it's not like I have taken time off, and Sup isn't there to mark it till Friday anyway.  Even if it isn't finished I will have it posted tomorrow. 

yay.  so onwards with it!  Oh, and I will go snaffle shopping in about an hour.  Crisps, biscuits and sausage rolls are needed today to see me though - I have completely run out of comfort food :)  Hehe DB offered to clean away all my crap food wrappers under the desk (bless, he has been sleeping in here with a terrible cold as I am up all night being preggo) but I told him he better not dare.  for some reason nothing must be touched until I have sent this off, then I shall tidy up!  I have books in special places on my desk, and even tho I don't need the book any more it really helped me when I did so is like a talisman or mascot!  Everything has a special place and meaning!  Do Not Touch! 

Oh btw am really bloody tired today.  Am ignoring it but oohhhhhhh.  sleeeeepy.  Bean keeps getting up at 6.22am to show me things from his room.  This morning it was his nappies...  wtf.

x J

Taking ages :(

Arses.  I thought this chapter was meant to be easy.  Although I suppose it is considering other chapters take months, not days to write!

I have worked so hard today, stayed focused and applied even when I didn't want to but am still not finished.  I will definitely not be handing in tomorrow :(  Which I am sulking about even though sup told me yesterday he won't be at home to read it until Friday anyway.  Am just so excited about nearly finishing!  I want to read rubbish autobiographies and lounge about!

Anyway, I do know I want to write something legible and attack all the horrid bits I am stuck on before getting it back, as I won't have much time on the other side to be massivley creative.  Am utterly sick of having to dredge up old notes etc to make old points but in a new, conclude-y kinda way!  Am just so tired of it all!

So I am going to leave it tonight as I am jaded and peed off and hungry anyway.  I will sit and be stressy and hopefully tomorrow have renewed vigour with a whole day in front of me to finish this tricky section.  When this section on implications of the findings is done I will be much more free... I think. 

Hmmph.  Annoyed!

x J

Nearly there and flagging

Oh how can this happen?!

I am so nearly there.  I have one tricky, thoughtful section to write left, in the WHOLE PhD and I.  Just.  Can't.  I feel like an unfit marathon runner seeing that final 500 metre stretch and just thinking, oh, no,  I can't do ANY MORE.  But of course you can...  You must!

So I am going to leave the comp for the first time today, properly (had lunch at the laptop again) and have a bath.  I then shall return and start adding text to this 'implications of the research' section which, sadly will need to draw from lots of refs again and I am sick of it.  UG.  I think the 'more speed less haste' cliche may come in here.

I have structured this bit anyway, and started the intros to each subsection so I know what to do.  I just have to do it.  Am going to run away as I am so sick of the whole thing, and try and get some perspective.  the problem is that in my mind this section needs to be about 5000 words, instead of just 1000-1500 odd.  even if it is 700 it is something eh?!  Just the outline for now, so Sup can see what it is about, and I reckon once that starts flowing the rest will follow anyway.

I just wrote the last 1000 words with such speed and, dare i say it, panache that I am gutted to have to go back to slow, ref-filled typing!  I want it FINISHED!

x J

It's taking shape... and time!

Arf.

I have a reasonable 5000 words down; I need to go back though a big section of about 1000 words I have just typed on what the research was about and put in some more theory and scholar names I think.  Then I need to do the bit about the implications, so drawing on my lit review showing what the research shows and what this means in the broader scheme of things.

These are the two biggest scary bits I reckon.  The latter bit I have already written some of.  I hope to havea  fair idea of what that is about and be well into writing it by the time Beanie comes home...  Am just racing through really, not thinking too much but it is all coming out ok atm!  Is a bit of a relief to be splurging out wtf this project is meant to be about! 

So is going well, but, as usual, taking aaaages.  Am pretty proud of it at the mo, and delighted I know what to do next and how to shape it up so that is a huge milestone (and relief).  And I should get the requisite 8000 words ok.

Off for lunch!

x J

What's a conclusion?!

My poor husband.

I have asked him about five times now what a conclusion is; I am suffering from nearly-about-to-hand-in-a-complete-draft stupidity and am so excitable and panicked I really can't remember how to write a conclusion.

Then I get the Fear about writer's block, which obviously would be most inconvenient but is definitely where I am headed atm!

I have had a good brekky, am well rested (tho still completely shattered, might have a lie down this aft) and DB is looking after DS again this morning so I can be still (I am on bedrest by the drs).  So I have decided to work as that keeps me ridiculously sedentary.  I have to say, although I am stressy and there are times when it drives me insane, I don't think I have enjoyed working more.  Tho I think maybe this is because I am reaching a deadline and facing a week off (a WEEK!  what will I do?! :)) because my toes curl in horror at the thought of receiving it back and editing again.  I can already see glaring shite sentences when am scanning though but know that this really isn't the time to be pedantic about the editing.  ug.

Anyway.  I will do some freewriting on a clean sheet I think.  I need to write out what I did this thesis for, what my argument is, which is easy now.  Then I need to show how I have shown this throughout the thesis.  I think that is all for now.  I might just do a super rough draft and leave it with Sup :)  AM super planning to post this bugger tomorrow (uh and am yet to format it.  am excited about getting it into one document but scared about buggering it all up!  and will the refs work?!  eek)

x J


 

bit better

I managed to edit that chuck of chapter earlier then sloped back to bed for the day.

Started work again at about 6 and have managed to get a very basic structure for the conclusion but am not really happy with what to put in it!

I think I might have overegged the analyses in my chapters a bit and have left myself no scraps for the conclusion!  I dunno, I'll put together what I have and see if threads need pulling together more and then might just send it off as is and get some advice, or start pulling stuff from other chapters to put in it!

Sup said it should reflect the intro (which is, obvs, typical for a conclusion) but the intro has the lit review etc which this just wont have.  Although I suppose it addresses the concerns raised in the lit review so maybe i should focus on that.  A mirror image as it were.  Dunno, tbh I have no new creative knowledge to add.  Am keen to try and write something tho as I don't want to feel I chickened out of a hard bit at this late stage!

Will come back tomorrow hopefully well and full of creative enthusiasm :)

x J

Poorly!

I am really poorly today.  A virus I think, am wiped out.

I have to work though.  I only have the conclusion to do, then it is done and I have a week off.

DB looked after Beanie for me this morning so I didn't have to do the 50 min walking round trip to take him to the childminders, and will just sit here and work.  Is ok, am just wiped out.

Will take a quick squizz through that section that needs editiing (4000 words of it!) , work out the threads of the research so I make sur they are referred to throughout the thesis, not just in their special chapters, and then transfer my intro into my concl and start jigging it about!

If it is only rough it doesn't matter, will send it off weds am anyway.  Finish it tomorrow pm :)  I need my week off!  I have novels to read!

x J

Pleasing editing

Yay, after that I have managed to edit the into chapter and I feel soooooo much better.

I feel like I now know what is in it, and thought it is 1500 words too long it doesn't matter at the moment.  I think I have covered all the bases as best as I can for now and the lit review is starting to seem ok.  Am not sure, but it is the best I can do for now!

Tomorrow I have alllll day (aw, will miss my littel man!) and will concentrate on a bit more editing for a couple of hours, and then most of the day will be spent sorting out the conclusion!

I will also do a spider diagram of all the threads of the research, all my little arguments, so I can weave these together neatly in the conclusion.

I am not very good at writing conclusions but I really cannot wait to have it done and then I will have, ahem, finished my first draft!

oh.  em.  gee.

I cannot wait to print it out and see how BIG it all is!  I might have to post it on weds just so I can show to to DB!  Look DB!  My thesis is REAL! :)

Am off to watch x factor and homeland and eat pasta

Today has been a lovely, lovely day.

x J

Back for more

I am back for mor editing before tomorrow as I only have tomorrow and tuesday to finish it and don't want to be editing old stuff during that time really.

I will work until 8.30 so I have about two hours...  I hope it is enough!  Actually Sup says he is away until the 22nd so I could send it on weds, the 21st, as otherwise it will just be sitting in the sorting office and I will be sitting at home knitting when I could be working on it!  Might as well use the time...


Anyway.  Am miffed as I opened the intro just to see the lit review secetions subheadings as I have forgotton them (!) and the beginning is a big mess.  This is fair enough as I have yet to edit it but I didn't realise how utterly SICK of seeing my work I am!  How i will feel when I get the first draft back I don't know (sick, sick, sick!).  At least the viva will hopefully herald the end...  what if I have corrections?!  Eek!

Anyway.  I feel abit better having reminded myself that this chapter isn't completed really and will get on with sorting out the intro to the intro :)  Apparently it is the the single most important part of the thesis and sets the whole tone for the how the examiner will see your work.  Eek, no pressure then...

x J

 

All done

I now have a rough draft of my introduction.

It is about 1000 words too long still, but I would rather have too many than too few words in it at the mo, I can always cut stuff out!  It has the point of my thesis, what I am NOT studying, the lit review, the methodology and chapter outline.

I am off downstairs now for a cup of coffee, some toast and to spend the day for the first time in weeks with my little boy :)  wea re going to go and do a big shop, have some lunch out and then come home and make some rocky road :)

I won't work again today I doubt as am actually sick of this laptop!  Will do a couple of hours tomorrow evening though to tidy up a 4000 word chunk I drafted into a chapter yesterday that I think floats around with little explanation of what it is there for! 

x J

working!

hehe.  Bean woke me up at 6.45 and though DB came and got him to take downstairs, but I am not having a lie in I am working in bed!

There are some parts of the intro that I want to tidy up and it is bugging me that they are not done!  So am doing them while I can :)

Feel much more refreshed for a night watching a film, a curry and a good sleep!

Really want to have it so I can come to it on Monday and only have the concl to sort.  Feels in a bit of a pickle still as I know some hefty bits need editing again after the shuffle round of sections!

x J

Might actually collapse

Right then.

I have worked all bloody day (10 hours, even had lunch here) and I am now hungry so guess, once I have gone and eaten and things, I might as well call it a day.  I cannot work any more, and actually, I don't need to.

I have my 80,000 words. I would put an exclamation mark or show joy but I am too tired.   I don't know how I did this but copy and pasting seemed to do the trick.  Or I added up wrong and obviously i still have 71,000 words. 

I also have an intro of sorts; it has structure and all the parts are there but the lit review is still too long.  However, it should refer to my research often like a good lit review.  I have said why I am doing my work in India (am not completely sure, I think I just fancied going there and had to make some guff up) and methods etc.

I need to edit and read through this introduction, and it needs about 1000 words trimming off it, which is very reasonable. 

I shall NOT do any work tomorrow as it needs time to 'bed-in' so my brain works out what i have left out, what I have spraffed on about too much and what is completely ridiculous.  I will then come back on Sunday eventime to kick off the editing.  Monday I will edit and start turning it into a conclusion.

I will not read through the whole draft of the thesis before sending it off as that would take forever, and in no way would it be a skim read.  It needs going through with a fine tooth comb but first I would like sup to see it and tell me how crap it all is (see discussion chapter debacle for why not to finesse work you are unsure about).

So.  I have to write a quick sentence or two about why I am not looking at certain things and then I am OFF!  oh, and to re-organise my chapter outline so it is actually representative of my chapters.  ah fuck it, might just begger off!

Really very happy in a subdued, 'fuck me' kind of way :)  maybe like a bad runner after a marathon?!

x J

Pickled Brain

Writing my intro is pickling my brain.

It is a horrible nightmare, and I have no schnaffles to see me through.  I don't even have any bread to make toast!  UG.  I really want to 'get it done', even roughly, but it is like wading through a swamp.  I have to sort out my intros to the sections, edit the lit review, constantly revise what the chuff is in my lit review - and, hideously, what isn't...  I have got a new section to put in, and I think that some of what I carved up and spread about the thesis yesterday ought to go in here first.  Sometimes, until you are reading it from start to finish, you don't know how you state things that are then elucidated much later on - so obviously the arguments need to swap around.  This is a massive head fuck.

So.  I am nearing the screaming-in-the-shower stage but hope that hard work today with the knowledge I am having tomorrow bloody OFF to read the paper and take Beanie swimming will make it ok.  I have to know that every knot I meet is another to untangle and finally I WILL get there.

Is a big knot.

Oh well, I have today, some of sunday (an hour or two to keep my hand in) and all of mon and tues to sort it out, this should be fine.

There is no WAY that I will be sending sup a 'polished' draft as I hoped.  It will NOT have had a single proper read through; I can't face it yet until I know whether the sum of its parts are tolerable.  And don't get me started on the conclusion, that needs completely reworking with New Words.  Oooooh noooooooooooooooooo :(

Am not a happy bunny and am definitely starting to realise why people who have done their PhDs wince when you say you are at this stage!

x J

So bored

Ok I am getting really bored of this now.

Really, really bored.  Bored of saying the same things again and again!  which is a really good sign but arg, I have no interest in writing any more info.  It is so boring!

Still bloody looking through the discussion chapter.  Is taking me ages to wade through the repetitive shite.

x J

Up and At 'Em

Up at 6.30 (c/o Bean), out of bed at 7.15, working by 7.45.

I have got my discussion chapter up and am reading through it, which is really tricky as I seem to have written it with marbles in my mouth and no real direction [blush].  I will read through, see what i want to keep for the conclusion and take out what I can for other chapters and bulk up my word count. 

I am hoping to have this done by 11ish, then will spend the rest of the day on the introduction.  This is written but needs tweaking and bits adding which I know all about from my meeting with sup.  Even if it is rough, it is done and I can have my weekend.

Off for breakfast from DB now.  aw, am glad we are cool about me working now!  Makes it all so much easier.

x J

Just keep Going

As Mimi kindly pointed out on her comment, when you are in hell, you just keep going!

Which is just what I did.  I put Bean in the bath and worked (in the bathroom of course!) while he splashed around for half an hour.  Got into editing the new parts of the already edited chapter (grr) and then DB came home and (kindly) took over so I have been working since.

Am not beest keen on that chapter now, i feel like it doesn't actually say anything, is repetitive and written really badly!  Which probably means it is time to leave it the hell alone!  I must remember that I am still in first draft virgin writing territory, editing is for LATER.

I have however...  drum roll please...  got to 75000 words :)

HURRAY and fuck yeah.

I still have hopefully about 3000 words to put in from my shite discussion chapter, which I will do tomorrow, and an intro to write.  For now though I am going to make some pasta and watch junior apprentice :)  And laugh in the face of their youthful arrogance, because I am a cow :)

I will send this off to Sup on tuesday.  I will, I will.

x J

Shit day

How such a lovely planned day could be a shit one I don't know, but it has been!

I went to my appt and had a HUGE row with DB about working over the weekend and turned into a 'you don't care about my career' (him) bla bla argument which I really resent seeing as I am ONLY working super hard *right now*.  Is complicated and tedious but generally it seems my PhD is becoming the Other Person in our relationship.  It bugs the shit out of me because I literally only have a few days left of this really hard work and instead of support I am being bollocked which is ridiculously unhelpful.

I dunno, because I am doing the work I get how hard it is.  But if you aren't doing a PhD I guess it must just seem like a really selfish waste of time.

Anyway, this put me in a really shitty mood.  Then I cried all over the dr at the appt about my miscarriages and worry for this baby, then came home and tried to work!

I did manage to work; I took the lit from an old chapter and stuck it into one of my contentions chapters which is good, but I do now have to go through it and make sure it makes sense and contributes to the chapter.  am sure i saw some shit in there too that needs tidying up, which is disappointing as I have already edited this chapter...  I need to be aware of overworking it though and getting all perfectionist and never handing it in!

I can't work now, am looking after beanio but when he is bathed and bedded I will sort out that chapter until 8pm then I shall watch tv and try to relax before tomorrow.  Then tomorrow DB is looking after bean and i basically have to get as much done as I can before the weekend as I have been told I am not likely to have any time to work then as he needs to work.  grrr.  I will work in the evenings when he is doing Bean's bedtime and really try and relax in the day.  I don't know how I will do that, am quite a shite half-assed parent at the mo as I am so distracted with work. I just want it done!

x J

Copy and Pastin'

So I went through my word count last night and somehow I seem to STILL have only 71000 words...

AAARRRRRGGG!  however much I write, a few thou here, a few more thou there, I ONLY get to 71000 words!  Oh to break that barrier.  Oh to get to 78000...

So I have half an hour now to start copy and psting chunks from old chapters into my new ones.  Today is a nice, chilled day.  Lots of coffee breaks, a hosp appt, maybe a sausage roll for lunch and lots of copy and pasting this aft.  No horrible hardcore editing/re-writing/re-structuring today.  I hope to copy and paste in about 5000 words though ideally i would find about 7000.  I don't think I will!  I do need to go through my empirical chapters again though and ground in the analysis in my research and the lit review; I haven't done that yet, this will probably add a thousand or so more words.  I won't have time to do that today though.

I hope DB has tomorrow off; that will be another nose to the grindstone day, writing the intro (well, editing and adding bits).  Then I only have the conclusion to do, though as another PhDer said, it might be best to laeve the concl apart from very rough until I have had some feedback about the thesis and go ahead for my arguments?!  Or is that me being lazy?!  Maybe a bit of both but it does make sense.  Can't bear the idea of working hard on another lit review/discussion/methodology style chapter that *doesn't need to be written/is written wrong*.

Anyway, better get on.  Am quite excited!  By the end of today I hope to have an idea of my word count and have the main body of the thesis complete.  Must be ruthless, add what I ened and not be afraid to mess with the edited loveliness I have created over the past few days!

x J

Last chapter edited

Oh crikey I am shattered!

I have just finished editing that chapter.  Mahousive, it is 12,300 words!  Should be fine though.

Am knackered and OFF.  Tomorrow I shall chill and start on tinkering with the intro.  Ideally I want the intro and concl done for Monday.  I think it would be a nice idea to take tomorrow easy, just do easy bits of editing etc and go to my appt, then work hard again on Friday and motor on.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

x J

 

But it's ok!

I have worked my butt off today :)

My eyes smart, my fingers ache, my shoulders hurt and my back is all hunched over.  I think this is how it is for the last few days of sorting out your PhD :)

I have added about 4000 words onto this chapter, it now stands at 13000 words long!  I did try and make it two chapters but it doesn't work, the second chapter is kind of 'floating' and needs to be inked to the first bit as a hook for the analysis.  So i am going to see if I can have one super big chapter, or if Sup can see how it can be made into two.  he was fine about having a couple of 12/13000 word chapters the other day, so will keep it as is for now.  It all depends on how many other words I add to it!  I still have a quarter of it left to go!

Anyway.  It does mean that I will go to my hospt appt (for the miscarriages and this baby) tomorrow, as I was going to cancel to work.  But if I am not writing another chapter, and I am working tonight, then I hope to get this bit finished... and *maybe* kind of relax a bit tomorrow (well, do hosp stuff and tinker).  Would be nice to do something not so intense, even if it is writing but writing sections for the intro that shouldn't be longer than 300 words!

DB has said he can take Friday off if it will help me.  It would REALLY help me :)  It is all about momentum atm, and the fact that this is all in my head, all the little points, all the threads and I can't play well with Bean when i am trying not to let it all fall out!

Must work, doing Bean's bedtime at half six, then will be back here about 6.50 until about 8.30/9pm or I have finished. 

I really hope to get this chapter finished!  AND i have added 4000 words in the last two days (woah!) which means I should reach my word count of 80,000 words now :) :) :)  And means I don't need to add ANY MORE WORDS.

x J

Going to miss the deadline

Ah bugger tits.

I really wanted to have this first draft done for the weekend but this just is not going to happen now.

I tried to work last night but was so knackered and feeling rather stressed about it all so sloped off and had a hot chocolate and ate, erm, roses in front of stupid tele for an hour and then went to bed.  Bean was up a few times last night so am glad I had an early one.  I do feel refreshed and ready for a hard day of typing and editing which means it was well worth it (tho I did feel guilty).

I have to finish editing this chapter, which will actually almost certainly turn into two chapters.  I am hoping to get one of these two finished today.  Tomorrow I will edit and cut and paste and shape the other chapter.  Then all the editing will be done BUT it will be thursday, and I can't work Fridays...  and I don't think DB is going to be happy with me working all weekend again :(  I will work over the weekend but may have to snatch time when I can rather than take liberties like I have the last two weekends and spent a LOT of time up here on it!

Bean is back in childcare on Monday.  I hope over the weekend to get the intro shaped and written roughly, then Monday I can tidy it and hopefully on Tuesday I will do the conclusion...  Weds I will do refs and abstract and post.  So I am looking at sending it on wednesday 21 Nov, which is about right as i think I have about 5/6 hard days work on it left.

Which is amazing and brilliant considering the standard of draft I want to hand in - having only 5/6 days of work left is brill!  On a whole PhD!  BUT it also means I am missing my latest deadline of tomorrow which just makes me feel bad and I will only have a month to edit until xmas if it takes Sup a week to read it and send it back to me.

It is a risk.  I could send a shoddy draft a few days earlier and have more time on the other side to edit, or stick to working hard on it and sending the best possible draft I can, hoping that when it comes back to me there won't be weeks and weeks worth of re-writing to do!

I could work until NYE which would give me 5 weeks of editing time.  This is very reasonable but will be a pain!  Beggars can't be choosers tho eh?

I realised a big breakthrough last night regarding the writing and drew out a spider diagram of the key points in my lit review.  As my research is showing how other research/ideas are a bit shit/debunking them entirely/joining them, throughout the thesis I need to keep coming back to these points, showing how my research contributes to the knowledge and, really, what my thesis is in the wider scheme of things.

As far as I can see when writing a PhD there are three levels of analysis. 

• The first level is when you say 'I did this research/read this and it shows this.' 
• The second level brings in your theory, so you say 'I did this research and it shows this, which drawing on Foucault illustrates bla bla...'. 
• And then there is the third level.  This is when you say 'I did this research and it shows this, which, drawing on Foucault illustrates bla bla...  This proves/debunks the findings/contentions of bla bla shown earlier in the thesis by...'

This third level is where true analysis is made, your theory is in there and your findings/contentions are grounded in contemporary knowledge and scholarship about your topic.  This stops your thesis being simply 'I did this which shows this'... leaving the reader going 'so what?'

Pretty obvious stuff but it has taken me a while to get to this stage of weaving in all the different threads and points!

x J

Working socks off

I have worked so hard, and am completely shattered!

I am not even halfway through this chapter yet and have had to add about 1500 words of analysis!  There really was no analysis.  Plus the references need to be reformatted and some re-entered which is pretty time consuming. 

Am sick of typing.  I am enjoying the work tho, it is really easy to slip in my analyses and theory as I am getting so used to what I say!  Is pretty repetitive, though not obviously so.  I have a spider diagram on my wall for each theory I use (most people just use one) with all the main points on, and brilliantly (as I don't remember doing this work at ALL) I have written WHO said it and what ref it is , including the page number:)  So I can easily look at my wall and pick a wee point that backs up my personal contention and type it in and have the ref RIGHT THERE.  I also have the notes next to me at all times in case I want a fuller quote but having the book and even the page number makes that quick and easy too.  It is a total and utter lifesaver and somewhere in the ether I am hugging the past me who did this and no doubt throught it was a stupid waste of time :) 

I also have to add concise argument-driven introductions to the sections so I really have to concentrate, absorb what it is I am saying and then regurgitate it in nice little paras.  Oof .  My shoulders are killing from being hunched over too.

I am not going to finish this chapter tonight.  In fact, I am adding so much new text that I wonder if I can split this chapter into two.  I have enough text, I think, to fill two chapters and it would solve the issue of where I want to put the lit review text :)  This would be a nice, neat solution.  Time consuming tho... but if I am doing the work anyway...

I think I will have to do a couple of hours of work tonight, and i still probably won't get this finished before tomorrow.  This is ok, as long as a) DB takes friday off or b) I can work over the weekend.  TBH I can't work any faster!  I even ate lunch at my desk, I haven't left.

I actually think if I am going to work later (and i will work tomorrow and tomorrow night too) I might take a break for a bit.  Back is killing and my brain is slowing down!

Am getting there though, and it is very satisfying cleaning this chapter up and makng it all PhD sparkly!

x J

Onto the next one

I am editing the next chapter now then.

This is my last editing chapter, then I will need to organise my lit review and conclusion.  DB offered to take Friday off work to look after Bean so I can work then and post it off for the weekend :)  How nice is that?  Is so weird, one minute he hates me for working at all and then this...  maybe he is realising that this really IS the last push and when it is posted for Sup to look at then I am freeeee for a few days and can be a proper momma (so he works?!)

Anyway, is very kind and I hope he can do it as then it means I would definitely get it in this week.  how exciting!

Best get on. 

x J

Another chapter edited

So I have now edited five of the eight chapters I need to do.

Tomorrow I will edit my last contention chapter, then, with intimate and recent knowledge of what all my contentions chapters (and therefore, thesis) are about I will go through my shite discussion chapter and pull out any bits I think will insert into the thesis.  I will then go through my lit review and add the bits from that.  I don't think these bits will change the thesis much, they are just add ons to bits I have already written so won't affect the intros to the chapters or anything.  Phew. 

Then I will need to do the intro and concl (just need to refine the intro and the conclusion is the intro, really) and then, my friends, I am pretty much done!

I really want to have it in for friday.  Should be doable :) (!woot)

Is so weird as I am going through each chapter how small the thesis is starting to feel.  When it is HUGE, but actually, quite small :)

x J

Stressed and Working

First, the whine :

I am stressed.  I had a terrible weekend; I worked a lot and it created a lot of tension in the house and this has made me very upset.  I hate the way I have to fight for time to work; if I don't fight I don't get it and if I do  get bollocked for being needy and my work taking up too much (of DB's) time.  I hate the lack of support and the way my PhD is like an unwanted pet in the house.

This makes me feel very stressed and unhappy, particularly as I don't normally work long hours on weekend and i am only doing this so I can hand in and move on.

I am also stressy because I have got Bean in childcare for four days a week.  And he is noticing my absence in general and tension and isn't best pleased with me.

I am also stressed because the childminder is worried about her dog being ill and also her son is poorly and so she might have to close on me.  This would be a disaster.

However, I am working and making good progress.  The empirical chapters I completed last week have been niggling at me because I think they might be repetitive.  So, as I am now editing (!) I thought that they would be a good place to start, then if I am happy with them I can move on as they form a huge chunnk of the thesis.  I just checked them and they (well, the intro's) are looking wonderful, though without reading each one with a microscope (for which I do not have the time or enthusiasm) I cannot be completely sure that they actually are ok.  And then I thought, well, will I ever think they are finished?!  Will there always be a bit of me that needs to tinker?!  Especially as this is my first full draft it will be a bit rough and ready, but how it can be improved without wasting time 'tinkering' is beyond me atm.

So I have decided I just have to leave them and think that they are done.  I will need to read through the whole thing once I think I have got each chapter sorted anyway, and I think that is when instances of good and bad repetition will come to light.

Is such a weird thing do this course, it sort of teaches me things all the time!

So, back to editing...   three chapters down, two more contentions chapters to go then the intro and concl...  nearly there!

x J 

Back again for an hour

Went off after some time to take Bean to a soft play place as we have hardly been together as a family for weeks...  and it was shut!

So am back home and working again while he helps DB clean the car :)

Am finding my new status of editing and drawing everything together very weird.  Am really frightened to actually do anything!  I know that I need to chop up my discussion chapter into a conclusion chapter and that there are (hopefully) a few few thousand words I can pilfer and should go into the analyses in the actual chapters but I am too scared to start moving them!  This means I will need to start saving copies upon copies of chapters in case I carve them up/add stuff and it is wrong!  And I will have ruined all that work!  And I will need to hold all seven chapters in my head at the same time, and fluently move between each one and know instincively 'ah, that should be in that chapter, and go in just after I make that point', which is quite a lot of concentrating.

It is a case of having lots of balls in the air...  and I have to get up the guts to chuck the first one and get them all going...  but what if I am interrupted and I drop them all?  And forget where i was with what bit...  I suppose, really, nothing bad will happen.

Oof.  I don't know what I am so worried about; it has to be done!  It is a GOOD thing, a sign of progress...  but each chapter has been so lovingly crafted and revised... 

I feel like I need to go out with a PhD friend and have a good chat and a good pint!  Sadly a)  am preggo; b) I am a mum with duties; and c) all my PhD friends have graduated or are living away! 

Am procrastinating.  I need courage, my hot chocolate and to just bloody well dive in and get messy :)

x J

Back for a couple of hours

I have a couple of lovely free hours to work in and I can hear my lovely DB and Bean playing skittles together downstairs, so all is well and I can 'swith off' my momma side for a bit :)

I spent my ten mins working through my previous plan of action, and realised that I have met more of the points that I thought which is probably why I now feel rather adrift; I need a new plan of action!  I started on that and basically it is about editing and proof reading rather than actual writing, which is a complete shock!  And it will very, very soon include jobs, like writing the into and concl properly, that so far I have had as 'things to be kept to the very end'...  but that is soon approaching!

As it is I do not have enough words.  I have about 73000 at the mo.  When I have edited my last two chapters, adding the theory and banner waving I need to, and then gone through the thesis as a whole and made sure the threads of each chapter interweave and make the same points (my banner waving), I should have about 76000 maybe.  I don't mind coming in at 78000 as Sup said no one counts the pages or really cares unless it is hugely over the wordcount.  I can always add a few more thousand, am sure they will come from somewhere!

So, rather than having concrete work, i.e. 'finish this chapter' etc, to do, I have more bitty work that will mean to-ing and fro-ing from different chapters, and maybe a bit more carving up of para's that are repetitive/contradictory/in the wrong place.

Quite exciting and strange!

x J

Just a wee ten mins

DB has been to the gym and i have done my morning fun times with Bean so I have slpped upstairs to do ten mins while the sausages cook for lunch :)

Just need to do a bit to keep my hand in and release the pressure valve...

Am not completely sure what to do though!

As I am not writing this new chapter now (and lord knows what I will do with my 5000 word defecit) my plans have changed somewhat.  Am kind of unsure of what will benefit from my attention first.

Luckily I have my brain today and am not tired so will get some good stuff done  hope :)

x J

Trying again and succeeding!

Arf, I have come back.

DB took Bean out about an hour or so ago so I could try working and it has worked!  Am working away, it makes such a difference trying to work ALONE, without hearing Bean downstairs playing up because he is bored (fair enough), feeling that I should go down and parent him, and feeling guilty because DB is grumping about.

I have decided to start from scratch and have taken my original 14000 word (!) lit review and am now taking out of it what I want for the lit review.  I will then edit it (delete, delete) and it will fit in beautifully, meaningfully and succinctly at 4000 words.  Whatever I have left I shall look through and see if I want to take it into another chapter (which I have spotted I do already).  I will not be making up a new chapter!  This will save me such a headache of planning and structuring a new chapter, editig and getting enough words in and then making sure it all fits into the thesis, relates to my argument and theory etc etc when really it is very conceptual info... Sup said it would be fine to have a couple of really big chapters (with all this new info in) so will just go with that.

So that is a lot of decision making done.  hurray.

Hope to have this all sorted by the end of tomorrow.  Should be quite straightforward I hope!

x J

Am such an idiot :)

I just glanced morosely at my calender to remind myself of how little time I have to work...

And it says I don't have to have my first draft in until a week tuesday!  I thought I HAD to get it in for thursday and that even that was cutting it terribly fine.  When in fact, if I give it in a week tues I still have 6 weeks after that for editing.

Oh thank goodness!

I can honestly say that has never happened to me before :)  I actually have more time than I think!  I think I might slope off for now then and look after Bean while DH works.  And let my subconscious try and sift through what I am trying to do with this lit review and 'extra' section.

gosh, what a relief.

x J

Not a Good Day!

Oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Today is being so rubbish!  I just can't think :( on top of it all is the fact that DB has decided to hand in his notice at work this week!  So he also has loads of work to do and I think he is resenting (silently seething) my work taking up so much time...  and I feel guilty and annoying because I feel so tired today. 

TBH I just want to go back to bed.  My brain feels mashed - Bean was up at 5.30am :(  arf.  I haven't had a day like this for ages, where I want to work but just can't.

Ok.  Complaining over! 

I have a coffee, I have a couple of hours, maybe I should try and slow down a bit and not worry...  and unclog my brain...  let's go!

x J

Up and at 'em!

Had a lie in till 8, then have worked between 8 and 9 :)

Am in a quandary about what to do with my chapter, or more accurately, 'words' as am not sure whether to a) make them their own chapter; b) ditch them (!); c) insert them into chapters I already have...  what I need to do is work out what I want to put into my lit review, and what I want in this other 'section'...  which I really want to do NOW but am sleepy and dopey and a bit frazzled (already!)

I think I might have to go and have a cup of coffee and a ponder :)

I think, actually I know what I need to do but am nervous about doing it - like when I carved up my 'best chapter ever' for the empirical re-writes!  Really, no chapter is safe now!

TBH am just pleased to have started work and be back into it again.  Great way to start a weekend (?!)

x J

Couldn't stay away...

i was meant to have today off but I am here while Bean naps as I really want to get started on the next bit of my write-up.

Am really anxious about missing my new deadline of Thurs, which is still late and am not best pleased about that...  but it is the best I can do with the amount of work I have left!

I have Bean going into childcare four days a week (aw poor thing) from Monday until xmas, which is really really helping my stress levels :)  I just want to work so much at the mo or I feel so anxious with worry.

Today I am going to be looking at another extra chapter I think I need to have done to explain my thesis properly.  For this one I have 6000 words already from my lit review, need about another 1000  (probably taken from the lit review too as that is about 5000 words atm - 1000 too long!).  Another 1000 will come from my intro and concl...  So it shouldn't take too long.  Unless it means I have to carve up another chapter into two, which I am really worried I will.  Arf. 

My hosp appt went well yesterday, so am now able to say that  am 13 weeks preggo :)  With an alive baby this time that wriggles (apparently, I can't feel a thing yet)!  Due on the 14 May; will be about 20 weeks when I submit at xmas which will be wonderful :)  Plenty of downtime to enjoy the pregnancy and it also gives me something bigger and better to look forward to than this blinkin' PhD!

Anyways, back to it.

x J

Knackered and finished

Oh my word, this work is killing me!

Am completely shattered, I really am.  I have just managed to finish editing the third empirical chapter thank goodness.  With 10 mins to spare no less!

Like last night I am sort of wary about how good it is or isn't; I am editing in a blur of intense concentration and only finish when I know there is no more to be done... but I KNOW I have to go back and go through it all again with a fine tooth comb again.  I just can't face it yet, and if I can control my worry I don't need to. 

I am off now.  I will eat some lunch, stare into space and then go for my appt.  If it is good news I will have the best evening I have had in many a moon.

And I am not working tonight or tomorrow!  YAY.

I bloody did them.  YES.  I have conquered this part of the beast :)  I'll have you, I WILL :)

x J

Happy and distracted!

I am wary that I might fall at the last hurdle!

Was just so lovely to wake up this morning and think about work today and realise that I have broken the back of these yucky empirical chapters :)  I have this last one to edit so it flows with the rest of the thesis - my biggest fear is that it simply repeats what I said in the others (I really don't have enough info for three chapters!) and so will need proper editing rather than the cursery glance I would like to give it.

I am also verging on holiday mood... altho I have this hosp appt which is nervewracking it will also be nice to have it out of the way; whatever they have to tell me it is info I need to know.  And then we will have a nice tea as a family as DB will be home... and tomorrow is my day off with Bean :)  Am very ready for this day off, and that it is a friday is a bonus!

So I must make sure I sit and concentrate.  If it takes longer than I want it to that is fine, as long as it is taking longer because of the nature of the work, not because I am feeling slack at the last hurdle!

I posted my intention to submit form off this morning :)  woah.

And I just altered Bean's days at nursery to be Monday, Tuesday, and half a day Weds for when he turns three...  so that will be his Jan childcare and all for free!  And what will I do?!  NOT MY PhD!  I will be a lady of leisure for a couple of months at least!  WOOT.  I will swim, I will crochet, I will do food shopping at the actual shops - or even mooch around a MARKET - I will watch the nurse jackie boxset I have had since march and been saving up for when I finish the PhD, and eat home made cake :)  I will read all the books I am collecting for when i have finished and can actually read novels again!  Ooooooooooh!

Right, am motivated by the Dream...  will work and then chill this aft :) 

x J

Another chapter done

Phew!  am knackered!

Did my other chapter.  Just finished.  Am addicted, I just had to get it done!  I have my hosp appt tomorrow aft and know that will mean a slow day tomorrow waiting for it (I don't like interruptions!) and then am off on Friday with Bean...  And I can't bear the idea of having to do these chapters any more!  I want them done!  So I did it :)  I am sort of pleased with it, tbh I think I am just exhausted now and a bit 'meh', whatever.  And also the work in general, this being the fifth/sixth/seventh time I have gone over this work, is boring me stupid and seems so bloomin' OBVIOUS!  Is boring, boring :)

I think this is a good sign :)

Am going to watch tv and try and chill out.  Mind racing!

I will feel great when I wake up tomorrow and know it is done :)  Is about 9000 words too :)  Only thing is it does need one last proof read just to check it is just fine as it probably has typos and is in the wrong tense bla bla as am a bit zonked!  But I can't bear the thought!

Then I just have to check the last chapter and add 800 words.  I hope to get these words from my defunct discussion chapter.  we shall see.  I really hope to have this last chapter done tomorrow and then on the weekend I have a whole new vista of a chapter to write! 

It goes on and on!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

x J

Finished chapter

So I have finished that boring, boring chapter.

Now I need to get one with the next one!  I think for this one I just need to check it makes sense, then add any theory analysis I missed the first time round, then do the intro and concl :)

Then that chapter will be finished off too.

Still soooo much to do but am getting there.  Feel like am having to re-write the whole thing!

x J

I have a title!

I have organised my title!  My actual title, that will be on my PhD - not a 'this will do for now title', the real one!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

I will write it on my form and then, gulp, post it later when I go to get Bean :)

Am so excited!  A bit too excitable actually, am feeling a bit distracted and though I am working I really need to sort of clear my mind of this periphery stuff and focus.  I really want this chapter finished for lunch then I can chill and watch some tv, then come back this aft and start on the next chapter (and hopefully finish that too).

I have a title!

x J

Intention to Submit Form

OM actual G I am filling in my intention to submit form!

This is the standard form I think everyone fills in (not specific to my uni) a month or two before submitting to say they are actually going to hand in, so the dept can scurry round getting your examiners ready for your viva.

Eek!  I have to put my deadline (31 Dec) and my title...  I don't actually know what my title is so am making one up with my Sup's help.  I am too nervy to fill it in for proper, will sleep on it then write it and send it in to Uni tomorrow!

I am actually going to do this!

Eeeeek!

x J

Busy Bee!

I have been soooo busy, I don't know where the day has gone!

I have, amazingly, practically managed to edit this chapter :)  Am so happy!  I thought it would take a couple of days and would be a huge job, but actually it has been going a-ok.  I have my necessary 8000 words, it has a structure and is a unique chapter (I was worried it would be an amalgamation of the other two and, therefore, superfluous) and says stuff. 

Tomorrow I just need to do the intro and concl, which will be easy as the structure and arguments are all there.  Then it is done!  a whole new chapter!  Then I am editing empirical chapter no. 2.  That should not be too bad a job as it is all written, just needs maybe some more theory and linking to empirical chapters 1 and 3 :)

AND this means I don't have to work tonight!  YAYYAYAYYAYAY!

x J

All Sorted!

And PHEW!

It is all sorted :)  I can now email my thesis to the dept for the 31st of Dec and this will count as my submission.  When the admin team come back from holidays on the 2 Jan they will forward my thesis to the copyzone for binding :)  Hurray!

This is the best possible outcome for me as it means I have right up until the 31st to submit if I need it.  Really want it done for xmas but, tbh, I just really want it done full stop and if that means working after xmas then it does.  But whatever, am so pleased!

phew!

x J

Fighting Fit

Today I am feeling assertive.

I have to do something about my deadline fiasco, so first of all have emailed my uni admin to ask straight out if there will be anyone there to receive my thesis on my submission deadline of the 31 Dec.  If there is not (I suspect not) then I shall start my fight to have my deadline extended to the 5 Jan, which will give me time to have it bound at uni when the copyzone opens on the 2 Jan, then hand in straight away.  It is the soonest I can hand in after xmas.  I will fight the sort of idea they have told me (no one has said yet I definitely have to hand in on the 20th but no one has said I don't either) that I have to have it bound on the 17th for hand in on the 20th.  I will demand answers asap as I need to sort out childcare!  (and my worry levels!)

I would LOVE to have this done for the 17th, but as it is if I am to work well it is not looking likely.  Literally one extra week to write, until the 24th as originally planned, will be amazing.  I had planned to work until the 24th, it is my actual right to work until the last minute and they have pulled the rug out from under me because they are on holiday!

So am now starting to sort that out.  Hurrah.

Today I am working on finishing my first (the added) empirical chapter, tomorrow I will finish off the second, and Thursday I will finish the third and go to a hospital appt.  Each chapter has at least 7200 words now so I just need to go through each and:

• make sure they make sense
• make sure they contribute something to the thesis
• make sure that from the outset I state what each ch. contributes to the thesis
• make sure each subsection is argument driven
• make sure theoretical analyses are in there all the time; wave that theory flag!
• make sure each chapter interlinks

After these chapters I then have to rewrite my discussion into a conclusion, and check another new chapter needs to be a chapter or intersect it into other chapters.  I hope to do the latter as it will be easier but we shall see!  Then most of the writing should be done, bar constant revisions!

x J

No Chapter is Safe

Oh. 

I just did a wee bit of carving of the third, as yet untouched 'model' empirical chapter...  I am a bit frightened about this!  And a bit excited?!  No, just frightened.

I was really stuck on my first empirical chapter (the very newly made-up one) and just knew that there was at least a paragraph, if not a whole section in the third chapter that was relevant...  and in the end I decided just to have a look...  and it turns out it is rather useful...  and was 1000 words...  so I took it.  Ooh!  and Eeek!  I now have to find about 600 words for that chapter but that should be ok, it is very analytical so think I can take some from the rubbish discussion chapter.  And it still neatly fit together, as if that section was never there...  And it means that this other chapter is nearly finished...  no more scrabbling around for something to write (thank goodness).

But now I know I have fiddled with it that means it is Tainted and that I will have to proof read it properly before handing in my first draft.  Boo and bugger.

I could be so addled with boredom, desperation, a need for a wee and to watch tv that I have just spliced away and not really checked that it does work...  (I think it does).

Anyway, it goes to show how the lines between chapters are blurring into a 'thesis' and no chapter is safe from my meddling.  I don't know if this is a sign of madness or progress!

Back tomorrow around 6pm.  Arf.

x J

Just sat down

Meh.  Today I have been busy so haven't been able to work yet, but am here now.

This morning DB needed to go to the gym and then went food shopping, then after lunch I had a party to take Bean to, and only got back from that at 4.  Got in, had a cuppa tea and a life-changing convo aabout finishing uni, DB leaving work and us all moving house then mooched on up here to start my shift!

DB and bean are downstairs playing with stuff from Bean's party bag.  Am so envious, I want to be down there playing too. 

I will work until I have done 500-700 words or at 8pm, whichever is sooner.  Hoping some nifty copy and pasting will take the sting out if it all for me - I am not in the mood to write original text at all!

And in I plunge...

x J

 

All done for today :)

Well, I have done my work for today!

I don't feel like I have really and would like to work more but with a family downstairs I should probably go and join them.  I had a goal of writing 500 words but a preferred goal of 700 if i could and I have reached that target :)  Well, more than that actually.

I have managed, through sheer luck, to find two old but complete drafts of what I wanted to say in this chapter before I edited it down to 1000 words, so am able to plump up my work with these drafts.  Am so very, very happy about this, I just knew I had more thorough old texts around but couldn't remember what I had saved them as (am going as far back as 4 years here!).  The one thing I do have to keep checking though is that I haven't taken the text and used it somewhere else in the thesis!  So far I did take about 400 words that, on checking, I have used in another chapter.  I recognise it all so much it is hard to know if that is because I have actually used it or just because I obviously worked on these discourses a *lot*.  So, anyway, finding these quotes and info has helped a lot, and will carry on helping later/tomorrow. 

So I have over 5000 words for this chapter so far, just need 2500 more!  Hopefully I'll get a good pace on tomorrow (or later) copy and pasting more chunks in.  I hope so!

x J

Procrastinating

I am skiving.

I am irritated that my son is not dressed yet and that DB is hanging out with his laptop and ignoring him.  However, I also know it is saturday morning, that DB works 12 hour days and just wants some chill time to do his fantasy footy stuff before cooking us all lunch, and that Bean has been manically busy with the childminder and could do with some family down time.

So I can only deduce that my actual source of irritation is the fact I am dreading doing my work and am frustrated by how much I have to do in such a small timeframe (which isn't even my fault)... and so I, very rationally, decided to get miffed about What Is Not Happening Downstairs instead :)  Pure procrastination and displaced anger.  Twonk.

SOOOOOO instead I will do some work!

Right now, will do ten minutes and get the ball rolling...

ARF I don't want to!  Wish me luck!

x J

Most Pleased

It is nearly time to pack up again...

And I have to say I am really pleased with myself today!

I really struggled this morning, it was so tricky trying to work through the worries I had about how to do these chapters but I stuck at it and didn't get cross with the fact I spent most of it staring into space (thinking space you see :)).

Then I decided I just had to get on with the chapter I had already decided to write and it was such hard going!  Getting into writing a new chapter is the hardest, hardest thing I think about working.  It is so tricky, especially when you have been editing which is MUCH nicer and far more satisfying.  Working out how to write again and stick at it is very challenging.  But I did!  And now I have written about 700 words! 

I don't really know what I am blethering on about but it must be something ok or i wouldn't bother and I am adding quotes from stuff.  At the mo i am working around old writing - one paragraph has turned into 500 words as I flesh it out, which i think is a good thing that needed to be done.  I think I over-edited and it is quite a skeleton on info now.  Wish i could find the old, fleshy draft!

Anyways, just wanted to say I was in a dip but I got out of it - in a day!  what progress!  Am most pleased - even though I still have so much to do I have done the best I can for today and that is all that can be asked for, I think.

Back tomorrow.  (Ug.)

x J

Back to old plan :)

Yes, it has been one of those days.

Where to make sure the path you first chose was right you have to faff and try other ones and then just go back to the first.

Am delighted as it means I only have 4000 words to find (have written 500 today) instead of three chapters to organise but crushed as I remember that normally when writing I am happy with 500 words a day - but I only have until tomorrow apparently to do this!  This is not going to happen.  Not because of a lack of will but simply because writing takes time, finding notes takes time, and even what I will chuffing put in this bit will take time.  500 words is a very reasonable goal and to think it is not is foolhardy and only liable to send stress levels through the roof.

I think I am just going to have to aim for 500 words a day, but at least get it done even if it takes a week.  Then I will work on the other chapter(s) I have to do :( and finally, the rest of the stuff I need to do to get my first draft done.  It is looking worryingly tight (over) the deadline, how I will submit for the 17th I don't know!

All I can do is plod on, and like Sup says if I don't hand it in on time they can't kick me out or not accept the thesis.  If they aren't open to accept it, what can I do?! 

oh dear. 

x J

Oh shit, all change

So I thought to myself last night that maybe it would be a good idea if I re-read my other empirical chapter - the one I wrote so well Sup said after the first draft that I needn't look at it again as it is already PhD worthy...  so I never looked at it again...

well I did look at it last night and realised that lots of it was actually what I wanted to write in the 'new' chapter...  Oh dear.  And I also realised that if I am doing another chapter then it might be necessary to carve that lovely chapter up too :(  So I realised a) this chapter will not be lovely any more, but will need to change too; and b) I have three chapters to rewrite, not one as I hoped.  I have to have all this done for Tuesday.  Tuesday!  OMG I don't think so.  In normal life it would take me a good month to do all this work. 

And at the same time I decided to have a wee look at facebook and all it is full of are friends, my friends, all arranging to meet each other over xmas.  Yay what a fun time we shall have, meeting and making merry!  But not me.  Oh no, not me.  I am not even INCLUDED because everyone knows (I am a gobshite, as we well know from the fact i have an actual blog for my PhD) I am doing my PhD until Jan and will not be coming out to play ever again. :(  Oh, the sadness. 

Anyway, back to work.  It is ok because I am not panicking.  I am actually in a state of calm resignation about it all.  In fact, I think at the mo until I see what kind of a mess I am actually in I can only hope for the best.  So my job this morning is to carve up the *two* empirical chapters I have done (under new names, am not actually going to get rid of the original work of course) as I think I have made three themes out of what I say in them both, and make three chapters out of them.  Hopefully this way I will be able to add to these themes in a coherent way, rather than sort of mumbling away.  Padding is probably not that acceptable at PhD level!

I am also wondering if I will need to put Beanie into childcare for four days a week asap.  He has had that this week and although it is tiring organising his life and my worklife, the thought of having that bit more time to work before the weekend seems very alluring.  Then I wouldn't be such a monster of stress on saturday morning.  he might not like it though.  But it is only for 6 weeks...  arf, who knows.  i don't even know if the childminder works friday or monday!  or if we can afford it!

Right, am off to hash up my chapters now.  I really hope I can make three strong themes out of them and have something to work on!  Am so sad actually I am doing this today, and not writing!  It better be a good idea!

x J